Sal's Reflections

There are memories and moments that live in such intensity that they influence your life forever. One of the moments that changed my life happened in a small cafe in the center of Vienna. I had experienced a series of interviews with Holocaust survivors and was experiencing an overwhelming sense of anger toward the Nazis. I shared my feelings with Viktor Frankl and though I knew he would not openly say he hated the Nazis I did not expect his response.He patiently listened to my cry for some sort of revenge and the gently uttered the words that still influence me to this day”Salvatore there can be no acts which even resemble justice, but carrying hatred or living with deep rooted grudges does not change anything.It will only minimize our lives to linger in the valley of revenge. Grudges though understandable poison the mind,body,heart and soul.It is not easy to miove beyond grudges but the attempt must be made to find meaning and purpose.If you carry grudges Salvatore you will be poisoned and the other person in many cases will be untouched.”

We are now engulfed in the mud slinging phenomenon called politics. Candidates spend most of their time and money pointing out how terrible the other candidate is and why the world will end if we don’t vote for them This strategy captures many people, and even some of my wonderful fiends on Facebook are lured by this deliberate attempt to play the public. I see friends on both sides of the issues branding those that have dissimilar positions. Liberals are said to be giving away the store while conservatives are deemed to be heartless and greedy. The politicians love this polarization and it enables them to do absolutely nothing. When they keep us shouting and immobilized then results toward our pressing challenges are not addressed. I have such respect for all my friends regardless of their political views and know that there is common ground on all of our challenges. I do not know one friend who does not want a safe planet,equality for all citizens,,quality education and fair pay and equal justice for all.If we continue to let the politicians pit us against each other we will leave the mammoth issues of our day without resolution.Isn’t it time to stop letting them use us as pawns.

A major obstacle to improving relationships is the mind reading phenomenon.The ever present belief that we can know exactly what people are thinking blocks the path to understanding. This is especially true when there is past conflict and the residue of bruised feelings.The conclusions that are reach are treated as gospel truths and allow us to justify a host of behaviors.In our heads we often attribute negative motives to the other person, or persons and rarely entertain the possibility that what they are doing or thinking has any other meaning except that which has been judged in our minds. I have found that more than occasionally if I check out the perceptions instead of relying on mind reading the relationship improves.It is easier to keep others at a distance and to place in concrete my perceptions, but it is more rewarding to test the perceptions and allow that they may be misguided.

Received a long email yesterday which began with the words” I am finally unstuck by the past.” The email went on to describe a host of learning and incidents that had a great deal of control over her life.These had largely influenced her behavior and limited her choices.”It was like groundhog day” and I gather that I reinforced it by feeling that I was trapped and could not change. At one point I was very angry at you for telling me that there were options, and I did not have to behave based on the past. Although you were always empathetic I was not ready to make that shift. A lot of the feelings still linger but I have moved on and in your words “my head has a lot more to say about the choices I am making.”I am thrilled that the past though painful no longer rules the day for her.

Recently I attended an excellent program which focused on developing yourself and your business through a series of self and business adjustments. One of the exercises required you to stand up and do a personal” brag”.This initially did not feel right and I could hear Sister Mary Michael’s voice in the back of my head saying”Never brag about yourself and always be humble.” However it was not only a clever exercise, it was vital because knowing that we are valuable and skilled is essential to personal and business success. Publicly stating the facts of who we are and what we have and can accomplish is not haughty, but a foundation for taking on new challenges. The other part of this was a growing awareness that everyone has something to brag about and before we dismiss them from our respect we should encourage them to share their”brag”

If you want to make someone feel important then really notice them. Listen to their hopes, dreams and even their fears My sister Tina had many wonderful qualities but what made her most special was the way she made you feel about yourself. No matter what hair brained scheme you came up with she was totally devoted to your every word. Being noticed is very important to every person, and I think at times we take too many others for granted. There are so many persons  who have enriched my life by making me feel welcome and important. The list is almost endless, and I hope that each of them knows how special they are for me. Is there someone in your life that you would like to stop and make them feel noticed and special?

Saw a marvelous musical “Dear Evan Hansen” on Saturday and once again I was aware of the power of the arts to unleash the most powerful emotions within us.There were lines by the actors that made the audience howl with laughter but there were also moments that stirred our very souls with the joy and agony of ordinary lives. These hours away from the hustle and bustle allow us often to go beyond the experience and relate the words and lessons to who we are ,and what are the questions that hover in our personal play. Like all great works of art there are the opportunities to rewrite the dialogue, and even change the plots. As the authors of our own play each day we have the opportunity to act differently on a script that we can change for our benefit and others.

I have diligently tried to stay away from public statements about my political beliefs.and I intensely dislike labels and have tried to maintain a posture of deep respect towards those who hold different views..Despite this I find Donald Trumps comments about John McCain to be outrageous and way below the belt. I have almost nothing in common with Senator McCain on most issues ,but I treasure his public service and all that he endured as a prisoner of war.He is a true American hero and to have what he suffered mocked is so beneath the pale of common decency that it demands a public apology. Freedom of speech is the backbone of our Democracy but when a candidate for President cannot honor the bravery and suffering that John McCain evidenced he is no longer a viable person to become our primary leader.