Sal's Reflections

“Part of the problem is that Arlene was involved in almost every part of my life. I knew her since the fifth grade. She was, and is connected to every stage except this one.”

Nodding his head Sal offers”You know what I miss the most? Her laugh, she thought I was the funniest man alive, and would howl at my stories even after she had heard them many times before.”

“I used to marvel at how many people were in Arlene’s network. She was constantly on the phone counseling, or listening to the joys and woes of her friends and family. At her funeral it seemed that everyone said that she was their best friend. The outpouring really helped, especially for the kids.”

“Amazing how many lives they touched. Helens’ colleagues at the hospital regaled us at the funeral home with stories about how she was always calm even in the midst of the emergency room crises.. For weeks after the funeral we received notes from grateful patients she had treated.”

Michael appears to be very serious and pauses before he speaks,

“You know Sal there are not many opportunities to talk about these things. I feel like I am talking to myself with you, because you have so many similar thoughts.”

“I think it’s a guy thing Mike, we were not raised in a world where men talked about loss and feelings.’

“I think the kids today are different and talk about things openly that we would have never considered raising. Even with Arlene, my kids would discuss topics that my parents would have been shocked to hear.”

:” It’s all about comfort Mike. Helen had a great antenna for what was going on with our kids. She had a real skill to get them to open up and confide in her.”

: “I have a great antenna also, but I never knew how to approach the kids.”

“that’s where I believe our wives were different. They plowed through the discomfort, and we retreated from it.”

“Do you think our kids knew how much we loved them?”

“Depends on whether we told them, and showed them that it was true.”

: “I wish that I had been more open with my kids, but it seemed that there was never enough time. When I think of the hectic schedule that I kept for years, it’s hard to believe that I have so much free time.”
”
: “
:” Tell me about it.as a business consultant I averaged one hundred and sixty thousand air miles a year. In those days I longed for more time to engage in hobbies and other pursuits. Be careful what you wish for Mike.”

“What hobbies and pursuits?”

“I longed to spend the rest of my days writing the definitive tome on Irish cooking delights. I was going to explore the seven hundred ways one could prepare corned beef and cabbage.”

“Funny, I was thinking of devoting my golden years to writing the History of Italian War heroes.—- Come on smart ass be serious.”

“First hobby was golf, but it did not take long to realize that it was too late. My aging body could not make a proper turn for a beautiful swing. I hacked around for a few years but finally accepted the inevitable.’

: “and what other pursuits?”

mostly languages, I speak Italian, and some German and French but wanted to upgrade my skills. What about you?”

“I wanted to discover a vaccine that would prevent adults from being infected by the liberal virus. Once the onset occurs rational thought ceases, and senility takes over all behavior.”

“sometimes I wonder why I even grace you with my presence. How the hell did you get through Med. School?”

“I picked out an upperclassman with an Italian name, and thought if he can make it there’s no problem for me.”

Do you have any cyanide capsules on you? I need immediate relief from your delusions?”

“In fact I feared the so called Golden years. My work meant everything to me, and it gave me such purpose. The day I stopped practicing medicine was the beginning of a minor depression.”

“Why did you leave the practice?”

“partially because I could not physically keep up with the schedule. Also because my eyesight began to fail me. I realize now that other opportunities were available, but I did not spend the time to explore them.Also I wanted to spend every waking moment with Arlene”

Is it too late now to find alternatives?”

What would I do old buddy? Like you I am a prisoner ofl imited eyesight, and creaky knees. The days of opportunity are gone. The train has left the station.”

maybe you could assist the nurse practitioner here.”

“Besides giving the Directress diarrhea, I don’t think the Board of Directors would be crazy about that possibility. Besides I am a surgeon not a gerontologist.”

“Sometimes I think you are not so dumb.”

Remember I am also a Doctor.’

“A Ph. D does not count. You are not a real Doctor.”

But I am a hell of an imitation. Would you like to explore your possibilities?’

“I would love to have something meaningful to do, but there is nothing available.’

Alright Doctor it’s time for role reversal. What would you tell me if I were in your shoes?”

With your fat feet I would advise you to go bare foot , or buy new shoes.”

“Why Do I bother?”

“Because I am still cute”

Sal is reading a magazine when Mike walks in. He appears to be agitated
“What’s the reason for the grumpy face?”
“I was balled out this morning for smoking in my room. I was told that if the smoking continues I am in violation of the bullshit paper I signed when I came here.”

“The smoking police will find you no matter where you go.”

“It reminds of when we were kids in the drugstore. You could out loud order cigarettes but you had to ask for condoms in a whisper. Now you can loudly order condoms but you have to whisper to buy smokes.”
You don’t have to worry about condoms. Even a snake charmer could not get your snake to rise.”
“You would be surprised. I am still dangerous.”
““In your dreams.”

One of the nurses told me that Mrs. Toffler caught two of the residents making love in a bedroom yesterday. She informed their families that they were engaging in inappropriate behavior. Maybe that’s what she needs a good roll in the sack.”

Typical male, you think that’s the solution to all problems.”

“It might be in her case; she is the all time tight ass. When you visit she gives you and your family the Mary Poppins routine but the second you live her she is like the warden in a full security prison.”

“Are you speaking professionally Doctor? Will you fill the prescription yourself?”

“No, but if she stays on my case I will find a way to piss her off royally.”

“I may become your accomplice because she pisses me off also. As a way for you to chill out now I think you should take this quiz with me.”

“What quiz?”

This one in the magazine. It is based on Dickens’s Christmas Carol.”

“And I thought Toffler was a pain in the ass.”

“Come on it will take your mind off all this trivial crap.”

“Maybe they should have three classes of people in this zoo. Those who are out to lunch, normal people like me and touchy feely nerds like you.”
Come on Scrooge, participate. First question, looking back on your past when were you the happiest?”

: “When I wasn’t forced to participate in bullshit quizzes.”

Come on be serious.”

Mike:” (Pauses and appears to be thinking) I guess there were a couple of times. When we were hanging out as kids on the corner, and when I was first married.”

“Second, part of the question is what made them happy?’

“I guess it was like being part of a place where people really knew and cared about you.. There was a commonality. Everyone was kind of equal, and cut from the same cloth. Our lives were simple, but we always had each other. I could not have named it my community at that time, but it was. Do you remember when we had six guys in a car all smoking at the same time? We would cruise the streets looking to pick up girls. If anyone was crazy enough to get in the car where the hell would we fit them?”

“The other time was the days and months right after Arlene and I were married. We didn’t have a pot to piss in but every purchase or event seemed special. I remember one time we went to the Philadelphia airport to watch the planes land and take off. We sat there mesmerized for hours and didn’t spend a penny.”

I can relate to those experiences but for diversity’s sake I will choose when my kids were small. In the beginning I was terrified but once John survived and was thriving my confidence as a father grew.. Both kids were such joys, and I loved watching each day be a new adventure for them. I think part of that wonder rubbed off on me.

The other time was when I taught high school juniors.”

: “What’s so great about teaching kids? Isn’t it just hormone control at that age?’

“For one thing when you teach kids you see things that you thought you understood in a deeper way. Also the kids I taught were bright and challenging.”

Sal picks up the magazine and continues.

: “What were some regrets in your past?”

That’s easy, I regret meeting Sal La Greca, because if I didn’t know him I would not be subjected to this asshole quiz.”

I will ignore the source, and take a leadership role in answering the question I am sure if you pondered the question for a while many would jump out. There are two that are immediate. The first is when I was eleven years old. One night about nine thirty my friend Bobby Smith came to my house. When I opened the door he said” my Father dropped dead, and my mother sent me to the store to get a quart of milk.” I said that I was sorry, but did not know what to do. He stayed for a couple of minutes,” and then left. I have regretted to this day that I did not go to the store with him..”

“But you were just a kid.”

I know that but the memory sticks in my gut to this day.’

:” What was your other regret?”

:” I adored my grandmother, but she could not speak any English. One day she was taking me to the Italian section for food shopping. She loved to make me home made pizza. While we were waiting for the bus two teen age boys started making fun of the old guinea lady” . She smiled and thought they were being friendly, but they were taunting her. I was embarrassed and afraid, so I acted as if I didn’t know her. This wonderful loving person had never done anything but care for me ,and I denied knowing her. I felt so guilty and mad at myself for not sticking up for her.”

Again you were a child, and it was an unrealistic expectation for you to be a hero at that time. You always tease me about Irish guilt and I have my share. One of my biggest regrets is not taking Arlene to Ireland until she was dying. In the beginning I didn’t have the money ,and later I didn’t have the time.We made the trip three months before she died, and despite her deteriorating health it is a wonderful memory for me.”

.. Any other regrets from the past?”

There was a long pause and it was obvious that the question had hit an emotional nerve.) There is a major family issue that I am not ready to discuss.”

Go ahead, it will do you good.”
It was obvious that Mike was annoyed at Sal’s persistence.”” I don’t want to discuss it and that’s that.”

O.k. Mike I understand.”

:” I think I’ve had enough of this quiz,”

Mike stands up and leaves the room.

I think the usual nervousness occurs in every occupation. In my case the nervousness was fueled by my enthusiasm. The first person in the confessional got all my years of seminary learning. I went on and on and on. When I finished the guy said” I’m almost deaf Father could you repeat that?”
Mike laughs Actually the guy was lucky he was deaf.”
“Thanks smart ass., My favorite screw up centers on my ability to speak Italian. It was known in the parish that I had this facility, so all the old Italian ladies would come to me for confession. Some spoke difficult dialects, but mostly I could understand them. Once this old woman confessed, and I could barely understand the dialect, but I presumed her sins were minor. When she finished I told her in Italian to say three Hail Mary’s. There was silence, and again she went on and on in this difficult dialect. I was somewhat impatient, but again gently told her to say three Hail Mary’s.

The following Sunday I an standing in front of the Church greeting the parishioners as they enter the Church, and one of my favorite persons ,Elaine Mone approaches me and she is laughing hysterically. She said” last night my Mother went to you for confession. She told you that when she goes to Mass she almost always has this urge to move her bowels. She asked you what she should do. You told her twice to say three Hail Mary’s.”

Although the story is humorous Mike appears to be serious. “God even then you were out to lunch. Sal can I ask you a tough question?”

: “Sure, why not? “
Hesitating mike asks: “Did you leave the priesthood because you lost your faith?”

Not the least bit surprised or annoyed by the question Sal responds with a question of his own. “What do you mean by Faith?”

“Come on you know what I’m talking about the Catholic Faith that we both grew up with. Did you just lose that along the way?”

“It depends on how you define faith Mike. I never bought into a lot of the rigid hocus pocus stuff. For me it was all about the Beatitudes the words of Christ in the Sermon on the Mount. The rest of the trappings were
part of the official institution that I never believed.. As the years went by, I could not live within those parameters. It wasn’t out of anger, but I felt that for me to continue would have been hypocritical. I don’t believe that I ever lost my faith.”

Somewhat skeptical of Sal’s response “That seems like you became a cafeteria Christian picking out only the things you like, and gave up the baby with the bath water. I don’t understand how you could walk away from such a gift We all revered the priests when we were kids.”

“Should I have stayed because of the expectations of others? Doesn’t conscience and personal responsibility have a part to play in one’s life?”

Frowning there is a tinge of annoyance at Sals response.”There is too much of that personal responsibility bullshit in the world today. I think that when ever we are faced with tough moral choices it’s fashionable to fall back on the conscience bit. Do you still believe in God?”

Pausing realizing that there is absolute interest by Mike and it is so genuine. “ It depends on which day you ask that question. There are days when down to my socks I am convinced that there is a God, and other days when it all seems like a fairy tale. It’s not that I don’t want to believe, I do, but it comes and goes.”

When I was in the sixth grade I was to serve the early bird mass. It was winter and the night was absolutely still and beautiful. Walking from my home I gazed at the stars and was mesmerized by their beauty, there were millions of them. When I reached the Church, all the candles were lit and it was almost a mystical moment When I went out on the altar I had a feeling that God was on my shoulder. I would love to have that feeling everyday.”

“But maybe you can have it, pride and intellect may be in the way. I can’t prove the existence of God in some scientific way, but I believe, and that belief is a leap. That’s what faith is. Maybe it’s time for you to come back Sal. You’re n not getting any younger, and this may be the perfect time to reconnect.”

“In a way I envy you Mike because your belief allows you to have a place to put everything in your life. If there is pain you can offer up the suffering. If there is joy you can thank God for your blessings. The absence of that is not something I relish, but I can’t buy in because it takes away all the questions”.

: “I just don’t get why you would discard this wondrous gift that has been given to you. Hell you’re obviously a guy who gives a shit about everyone so, I am not making any judgment about your character. If you said that you gave up the Priesthood because of Celibacy I could understand that, but doubt is part of being a believer. It would be easy if there was some magic trick that God could perform to convince us.”

Celibacy did not play a major role in my decision. I had already left the ministry in my heart and head before I met Helen.Actually saying I left the ministry is not entirely true. I left the formal ministry, but feel as deeply obligated to live the spirit of the gospels as to when I was an active Priest.”

“The Church is my rock Sal,I t got me through major personal losses as well as Vietnam.I experienced things there that still cause night sweats.Prayer and faith allowed me to work daily on the mangled bodies of young men. And one of the joys is that I believe that I will see Arlene again when I die. It is such a comfort for me to know that.”

“Your answer for what happens after death is one of the great bonuses of being a believer. There are days when I feel that I will see all of my loved ones again, and days when I think its’ all a fantasy.”

“But Sal that’s what faith is, a leap into the unknown. What harm is there in letting yourself go?. You once believed this with all of your heart, and if you are willing, He will touch your heart again. You may think it’s corny but I pray that you will find the gift again.”
: “I don’t think it’s corny, and I appreciate it.”

“Christ, maybe I should have been the priest.”

“With your religious convictions there would be more children in the world. You would have all of the Catholics in your parish playing Catholic roulette. Do you know what they call the “Rhythm method? Pregnancy”

“Let’s go have lunch before I ring your liberal neck.”

Chapter 3

Scene: Mike has been at Fox Hill for a month. Sal is worried that he has had trouble adjusting. He visits Mike at Breakfast. The two men are seated having breakfast.

: “
Christ it’s so boring here, very day seems like a month.”

“What’s your schedule like Mike
“well about 6:30 a.m . I piss like a racehorse, and about 7:15 I take an enormous dump.”
Sal grimaced at the graphic toilet habits of his buddy.
“That’s more information than I need, but at least your personal toilet seems to have adjusted: “

: “No that’s the problem. I don’t wake up until 8.”

“Asshole, when am I going to learn? Can you be serious for one minute? How are you really doing?”

MikeThe smile fades and Mike admits: I am bored to tears, it seems like I’ve been here for years.”