Being Stuck

Posted on April 23, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

It is the rare person that at some point in their life is not stuck and may feel powerless to change. It can be a job, relationship or a host of other challenges and each day can be draining .It may feel as is if they are trapped in a maze that has no way out. Negative energy often reinforces the plight, and I believe the law of attraction is a reality that contributes to the pain of being stuck. We attract what we see, what we say to ourselves ,and often the unexamined rule…s of our lives do not allow the scenario to change . It often feels that we have no choice but to continue being stuck. There is no magic bullet that allows us to move from the negative energy field to a more positive place, but at any given moment this can change. It can change because the level of pain and discomfort can be something that we no longer wish to endure. Raising the level of dissatisfaction can be the first step in choosing to examine the possibility of starting to become unstuck. It is tough being stuck but the question that may be the first step out is” Is there any thing I can do today to having other more positive choices.?”

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Back on the Horse

Posted on April 22, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

Been traveling and speaking both nationally and internationally. I will resume the reflections now and hopefully will post every day. The videotape of the talk that I gave in Bronson ,Missouri in front of four hundred persons is being edited. Once it is finished I will place it here.

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Mother’s Stroke

Posted on April 14, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

In late December 1981 the phone rang at twelve midnight and although I was very groggy I heard the voice of my brother telling me that Mom had experienced a severe stroke. I remember muttering that I would come there immediately (my parents lived in an apartment in my brother’s home three states away).As I hurriedly dressed the feeling was overwhelming that the supportive voice that had always been present to my ears might never be heard again. The ride to the hospital was in…terminable and over and over the stories of Mom floated through my heart and mind. I went from laughter to tears at the countless moments that we had shared. She was one of my roots and I always knew that she was a singular gift.

Upon arriving at the ICU my dad was slumped deeply in a chair being consoled by my sister and brother. He greeted me with a bear hug, and spurted out how he had gone to make a salad and when he turned to the living room mom was unconscious on the floor. I was stunned by the myriad tubes and respiratory devices that were hooked up to my mother. The sound of her melodious greeting that had made even the tough moments in life better was replaced by mechanical clicks. I wanted so desperately to believe that modern medicine would once again work a miracle, but in my heart I knew that nothing would change the inevitable.

After holding her hand and speaking to her for hours I whispered in her ear “Mom I wish you could stay forever, but it is time for you to join Nana in heaven.”She did not die that night, but seven weeks later while my dad, sister and I were at her bedside she gently slipped away.

I naively thought that because I knew she was going to die that I was ready, but I was devastated knowing I would never see her physically again.

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Special education

Posted on April 14, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

Now that Marisa has reached two years of age Elaine has gone back to Nursing part time teaching at the Community College in Greenfield.The rule of thumb is the first one home picks up the children and prepares dinner. The days of the Italian guy merely taking out the garbage have ended, and I love being this involved. We are most fortunate in that we have found an amazing day care program on the grounds of Smith College. Maggie the head of the Nonotuck program is phenomenal …with the children, and has incorporated some adults with handicapping conditions into her staff. One day John and Sophie a person of thirty five years old were looking at some books and John said to her “My Mommy and Daddy read to me but I don’t know how to read.” Sophie simply replied “I don’t know how to read either.” With that they kept turning the pages and mutually enjoying the drawings.

Work at the University and across the state has been increasingly rewarding. We appear to be making headway with some faculties, and the growth in our staff members has been remarkable. They are giving voice to the desires of parents and children, and making the law personal to educators. It is their dedication and willingness to try and alter generations of exclusion that drives them day in and day out. Some of the strongest supporters across the state have been classroom teachers because they feel that we have not merely blamed them for the lack of services. It is imperative that judgment be the least of our concerns, and the welfare of the students and the faculty be always at the forefront of our efforts.

In addition to the skills and experiences we possess as a staff the people who have been in this struggle forever are invaluable. One of our greatest assets is Chris Palames who has an amazing effect on educators when he shares, not only his story but the experiences of the countless kids with handicapping conditions that he has counseled. There is always that poignant moment after his presentation when someone in the audience shouts a question at him. Without any anger and a touch of humor Chris always responds from his wheelchair. “My ears work fine it is my legs that are not operational.” It is such a privilege to have him as a friend and colleague and I have learned many positive lessons from him.

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Arrival of Marisa

Posted on April 14, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

The summer of 1977 was beastly hot and our baby was not due until the end of August. Elaine never complained, but the heat and humidity were unbearable and her extremities were often quite swollen. We did not have an ultra sound this time so we had no clue about the gender. My Italian Aunt Mary perceived that she was a bit of a mystic, and asked for specific information about John’s birth. There were seven categories that required responses and candidly I faked all of the ans…wers because I could not remember whether it was a full moon, and what the tides were in Jamaica. Passing on these counterfeit facts Aunt Mary went into her Sicilian incantations and after much meditating announced that our second child would be a boy. She claimed that she had an unbroken streak of thirty two babies being correctly predicted, and assured me that we should only accept blue infant clothing.

The appointed time came one evening and Elaine announced that we should consider after dinner heading for Cooley Dickinson hospital. The labor had been so prolonged with John’s birth that the sense of urgency was minimal. I think I actually did the dishes before going upstairs to gather the necessary items.

We chatted aimlessly away in the car when all of a sudden Elaine’s face became ashen, and when we arrived at the emergency room she could barely walk. For a few moments I thought she was going to give birth in the parking lot. Unlike John Marisa made her initial appearance into the world shortly after Elaine and I went into the delivery room. We were so grateful that again we had been blessed with a healthy child, and the only negative consideration was conveying to Aunt Mary that her streak had been broken. I shuddered at the thought that the curse of the Sicilian Mountain people would be upon my head the instant she heard the news.

The birth of our second child was certainly less daunting and fearful than John’s birth. John at eighteen months was a delightful energizer bunny and had obviously thrived despite the lack of experience of his neophyte parents. The arrival of Marisa was initially welcomed by John, but I think he felt her stay was temporary. He called her “Risa baby’ and seemed very happy to have her around. This reaction was short lived because when he arrived home from daycare two weeks later and observed that she had taken residence he flailed on the floor and expressed disdain for the new contender for his parent’s attention. Fortunately this demonstration was never again repeated, and soon he became the loving older brother to this adorable little girl

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Amherst and Florence Massachusetts

Posted on April 6, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

Our apartment complex was owned by a rather large corporation and the maintenance was woeful. The sidewalks were never shoveled, the laundry room had sporadic breakdowns of machines, the roof leaked and it was impossible to get any action from management. It was obvious that the corporation took advantage of the residents believing that students were powerless. I decided to take a class action law suit to small claims court and began to photo the building’s issues, and to ta…ke testimony from other residents. The corporation was represented by a licensed attorney and I did a Perry mason imitation and represented the residents. Elaine was pregnant with our second child and she and eight of the other tenants came to the courtroom. I requested that she look sad and woeful at the distress this ordeal had caused. Our position was straight forward. We had refused to pay rent, and were demanding our full safety deposits back as well as remedying the complaints..

Fortunately the judge was very sympathetic to our plight and lit into the defendant’s lawyer after the evidence was presented. It was more than a moral victory ,and allowed us to break our lease and seek a home in the Northampton area. After weeks of searching we found a nineteenth century house on the commons in Florence, Massachusetts. It was a charming house but needed a great deal of love and attention. The street had been part of the underground railroad and though it was sealed there was a tunnel in our basement that ran underground to our neighbors home. Northampton was one of the centers of the Underground Railroad and at one point Sojourner Truth lived on the street. Slaves would be hidden and at night would go to the next home and then get into canoes and take the Mill River to Deerfield. There they would literally walk for days until they arrived in Canada.

By now John was a trooper as far as the cold, and was used to sleeping with his hat on. The house was so drafty when we bought it that you could not light a candle in the dining room without the wind blowing it out. Despite the limitations it was a wonderful home and for months we began the process of restoring it. Elaine was insistent that even though she was pregnant we had to have the house in good shape by the christening of the new baby. The chestnut staircase had about fifteen coats of oil based paint on it and we were using heavy solvents to get to the base wood. Like all the Murray women Elaine could work well beyond when “the cows came home” One night after a full day’s work and hours on the staircase I went to bed at midnight but Elaine kept right on trucking. Sound asleep I was felt a hand on my shoulder and Elaine said ‘the staircase is on fire. What had happened was that there was a chemical reaction between the chemicals and the paint. Fortunately we were able to put out the smoke and finally both of us went to bed.

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Special Education

Posted on March 10, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

One of the biggest adjustments in returning to the east coast was the harsh winter, especially in New England. We lived very close to the campus and the apartment was so cold that we had John sleep in a snow suit and hat. The apartment complex had its plusses and minuses. The minus was the blaring music and beer bashes at all hours of the night because most of the occupants were students.. The positive was that we had a plethora of baby sitters at our immediate disposal.

Madd…y and I had created some valuable allies in our travels and one was a person you would initially not have imagined to be so open to change. Bill was a heavyweight in Massachusetts school politics and for some unknown reasons took us under his wing. The covert land mines in our quest to make a difference were avoided due to his counsel and wisdom. One of the biggest hurdles was the posturing and seeking recognition on the part of some of the University faculty and members of the state department of education. There were constant plots and themes to avoid failure and take absolute credit for any success. Rarely did any of this translate into making life better for students. It was truly amazing how much could be achieved when it made no difference who received the credit.

Workshops with faculties were interesting to say the least and at times quite precarious. We had learned that starting with all of our “do gooders remedies” was not the way to go, and a recipe for failure. We tried to interactively create climates where faculty had the opportunity to be heard. One session began with a negative catharsis aimed at Maddy and I. After being barraged by a tidal wave of negative criticism I offered ‘You just met us so you could not possibly dislike us that much. What are the issues here that are behind your observations about what we are trying to do.?” It was almost magical because they read us chapter and verse about the lack of support they received in dealing with any child that was “different.” We listened intently for hours, and their observations and concerns became the platform for much of what we were trying to improve.

Some faculties were 100 years behind the monkeys in their approach to students. Despite this we never assumed a superior position and treated everyone with respect. However at times we had to bite our tongues. One teacher who had been at the school for forty years told us.” Most of these kids are stupid but they come by it naturally their parents were stupid”.

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Baptism

Posted on March 10, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

Elaine’s parents came out for John’s baptism which was performed by Elaine’s uncle Father George. It was wonderful having them visit, and quite difficult for Elaine when they left. The Contini’s were our family in California and we were blessed to have Mary and Luigi agree to be John’s godparents. Mary was the mother of seven children, and was our emotional coach for the first few months. We were also thrilled that my mother and father came to visit when John was three months old.

During my parent’s visit my mother had a blood clot and it was a dangerous medical situation. She had experienced a heart attack in 1965 and was still quite frail. Fortunately our dear friend Vic DeFino , an outstanding physician, referred her to a colleague who was a heart specialist. Vic told me he had the personality of a door but was an excellent cardiologist. Fortunately Vic’s colleague was able to have the clot dissolved, and in a week my mother was well enough to return to New Jersey. We loved living in California but the visit of both sets of parents created a yearning to be closer to the east coast so that they would be closer to their new grandson.

The search for returning to the east coast started in earnest and the most promising lead was at the University of Massachusetts. The new state law which eventually became the prototype for the federal law regarding children with handicapping conditions had been passed but local administrations were ill prepared to make the necessary adjustments. I flew back for an interview and the interview process was quite rigorous. I and the other candidates were put through a series of interviews by faculty, officials from the state department of education and graduate students. After two days of these interviews immediate hiring decisions were made. Maddy Bragar a PH.D from Syracuse and I were hired and commissioned to create the program from scratch. Maddy was brilliant,feisty and really knew her way around the secondary school environment. Together we decided that we wanted our staff to model the real world . We hired two African Americans, four women,one person with a visible handicapping condition,a Polish immigrant, a Canadian .two Vietnam vets and an assortment of multi ethnic “bleeding hearts.” We were blessed in that every single hire turned out way beyond our hopes and expectations.

The crux of the academic program was the easy part of our challenge. We were to guide a series of graduate students through a Master’s program in special education. The biggest hurdles were the school principals and superintendents state wise that we had to convince to implement the desired outcomes of the new laws. The reality was that at the secondary level kids with handicapping conditions were in boiler rooms, hallways and a host of other inappropriate settings. Almost no child with a handicapping condition had an individual educational plan and none of the schools were physically accessible.

We targeted thirty school districts and offered a vast number of educational assistance to the officials but we wanted to immediately gain their attention by developing programs which would have them begin to understand the world that these marginalized kids experienced. We had them try to access their schools in wheel chairs, gave them tests in foreign languages and had a host of adults who had been through their schools tell them bluntly what their high school days were like. At times it was tense, but hearing it from the real pros had an moving emotional impact on many of the school officials. Once this was achieved the goal was to provide expertise and support because as many other laws the state mandated change but did not fund it.

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Pregnancy and birth

Posted on March 9, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

In April of 1975 we found out that we were pregnant and our first child would arrive in late December or early January. It was a thrilling time and I was one of those fortunate people that had been a spiritual father to many, and now I had the opportunity to be the physical father to one. I knew in some cultures it was considered bad luck to name a child before they were born but I had no fears or reservations about early names. I had always loved the name Marisa so if it was… a girl that would be her name. If it was a boy I would like to name the child after Jack Murphy and my father. So John Salvatore will be the baby’s name

One of the most thrilling moments was when we went for an ultrasound. To actually see the life in motion was a joy beyond words. So many feelings exploded in our minds and hearts as we watched our future child. Suddenly the name became more than a selection ,it became real and would forever be a part of who we were as a family.

The months rolled by and I had taken a new office and Elaine despite being ready to give birth at any moment helped me decorate the new digs.I mused to myself that women are truly the superior sex, and Elaine would have made it in the days of the covered wagons. When we arrived home she realized that it was time to go to the hospital and we sped off to Good Samaritan Hospital. Unfortunately she experienced back labor and the contractions and pain went on for hours. I thought to myself while trying to comfort her that if men had to go through this ordeal there would be one child in each family.

Finally the moment arrived ,and it was the most spectacular experience of our lives.To hold this new born person in our arms was a joy beyond description. The hospital had a live in policy and we naively believed that we were fully prepared to care for this infant. All the books had been read, but when we arrived home we soon realized that the books and reality were completely separate phenomena. Every time John stopped breathing I bolted out of bed to make sure he was alright. Of the three of us I soon realized that John was the most together.

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Licensing exam

Posted on March 9, 2015 by S. J. Tagliareni

My post-doctoral clinical hours were finished in 1975, and it was time to prepare for the clinical psychologist licensing exam. Like all professions the exam was controlled by academics, many had never been involved in direct care so the questions were mostly geared toward research. It was one of those herculean tasks where you spent months preparing for the written and oral parts realizing once accomplished you would rarely use what you had studied. The oral part was particu…larly grueling, and I had to keep reminding myself to keep my cool because two of the interrogators were rude ,academic snobs who appeared to believe that none of the candidates were worthy to be anointed by them.

The bonus in appearing before the grand inquisitors was that it was reunion time with some of my graduate program buddies. One night after a few drinks one of my friends announced that we should have a contest and select the most outrageous case we had encountered in our practice. I was nominated to go first and protecting the anonymity of the persons I regaled them with my choice. Two of the Bay area’s finest and wealthiest came to me for marriage counseling. The precipitating event was that the woman poured herself bowl of cornflakes in the kitchen but left to take a phone call in an adjoining room. When she returned to the kitchen there was a human turd in her cornflakes. Her husband denied that it was his, and could not fathom what had happened. Now the story became more outrageous when you added the facts that their mansion was surrounded by a fourteen foot wall with top of the line cameras and motion detectors. So the villain scaled the wall, avoided the motion detectors and did his duty without stealing any item from the home. I smugly thought my story would easily be the winner.

However a serious contender offered the following: He had a couple where the wife would bring home some stranger for extra curricula activities in bed and the husband would go with his pillow and sleep in the bathtub. Certainly this had to be seriously considered on the merits of its bizarre nature.

Not to be intimidated by two weird cases a friend offered his candidate. Again the case revolved around a married couple. His female client would bring home a total stranger and make love while her husband would observe the frolicking through a venetian blind that was hand held.

Three outstanding candidates worthy to win first prize, but after much deliberation the rest of our colleagues voted for a three way tie.

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