Sal's Reflections

By the time that classes were about to begin in September Michael had regained enough emotional stability to begin senior year. He had signed up for the three day senior retreat which was to be delivered by Father Charles Hudson a hospital chaplain. Father Hudson was born and raised in Jersey City and had a well-earned reputation as an outstanding speaker. He had the ability to make everyone in his retreats feel as though he was speaking directly to them.His talks were filled with powerful stories, and penetrating human insights .He was known for his self deprecation, and marvelous sense of humor. Michael despite his fragile emotional state responded immediately to Father Hudson’ words.

The last session of the second day was entitled”working through Grief and Guilt”Michael was so touched by this two hour session that when it ended he approached Father Hudson and asked if he could speak with him. Taking off his cassock Father Hudson responded”.I was just going into town for a sandwich and a beer why don’t you join me, I wold love the company.” Michael was thrilled to have this opportunity, and they briskly walked to the Miss Florence Diner which was ten minutes from the campus.Seated at the far corner of the diner they ordered two hamburgers and two beers. As the waitress left their table Father Hudson said”What’s on your mind Michael?”

That question opened the emotional flood gate and Michael poured out all of his anguish and pain. Father Hudson intently listened and never said a word until Michael finished.He took a deep drag on his cigarette before quashing it into an ashtray.”Micael you have been dealt a tough hand by life and no words can make it all go away.Grief is so personal and no one can fully understand where you are but because of what I do day in and day out I have some degree of understanding. Equally important is my history on the personal level. My sister Tina was killed by a drunk driver when she was twenty two. Despite my faith I was a basket case. I was angry at the guy who killed her,angry at God for allowing her death and even angry at Tina for dying.Coupled with that I felt overwhelming guilt.She called me the night she was killed and invited me to the movies.I declined because I had appointments at the hospital.I beat myself up with a ton of magical thinking that if I had gone to the movies she would still be alive.
At one point I came to the conclusion that Tina did not want me to live in the midst of grief and guilt forever. I believe that is true for your loved ones also.Don’t run from the grief Michael, but you are guilty of nothing.You have a life ahead, and there will always be scar tissue ,but you will heal ,I know from experience that your mother and Donny do not want you to be emotionally buried. You will have scar tissue but living your live as fully as possible keeps them alive.”Michael was speechless and as he wept Father Hudson reached across the table and grasped both his hands.

As they left the diner Michael embraced Father Hudson and thanked him. For the first time since Donny’s death he saw light at the end of the grief tunnel

Sleep for Michael since Donny’s death had been almost non existent. Each night was an endless twisting and turning filled with the nightmares of his brother’s death.His images of that horrible day were of Donny pleading with him for help.He often woke up shouting out Donny’s’ name and shivered in grief and guilt as Arlene tried to sooth him back to sleep.His grief found no bedtime respite, and attempts at trying to sleep again after the vivid recreation of the dreams found only hours of the restless twisting of sheets and endless adjustments of his pillow

.Closure was a word that he often heard by the well intentioned but he knew all too well that there was no clear path to finalizing the deaths of his mother and Donny.Death of a loved one is not a process that has a terminal date. It is not something that finishes and can be relegated to the past. It lingers and and comes at moments that are never predictable.Grief when death comes like a villain in the night is so powerful that the fear is that it will never dissipate. There is no haven that offers solace, and as others recede back to their lives the pain becomes more and more searing.The rituals of a funeral service and burial are not the end but rather the beginning.Each morning brings back the clarion announcement that it is not merely a nightmare. It is a real,tangible declaration that his mother and Donny were dead.The sheer force of that belief has shaken Michael beyond imagination ,and the hurdles in his path are mountains of pain,guilt and self doubt.He begins to examine whether he should continue to study medicine. and with only a remnant of his family left he ponders the thought that he should spend most of his days with Danny and Arlene,

Arlene was his love and harbor in which all facades could be dropped. She was there to wipe the sweat from his forehead when he woke shouting Donny’s name.She listened for hours in loving silence to the anger and guilt that seemed to penetrate the marrow of his soul.She understood that many of the calls and cards had dwindled to a few, and the casseroles and meals were no longer left on their doorstep.She for weeks allowed herself to be the catch basin of Michael’s anger,pain confusion and loss of emotional equilibrium.At no point did she dismiss the choices that she believed were not ones that would lead to the cessation of his grief. She indulged and encouraged the myriad attempts that Michael struggled to clarify.Despite his confusion, she held an unflinching belief that at some point he would choose to turn his pain into service for others. She understood the temptation for him to cease his dream of being a doctor because it was typical in that it was based on his desire to protect Danny and dedicate the rest of his life being by his side.Arlene recognized the roots of this belief, but realized it was a choice that would not only limit what Michael could bring to others, it would also limit the growth of Danny.

The time for decision was almost at hand and Arlene one evening gently inquired what Michael was going to do regarding Seton Hall. Michael literally stared at his hands for what seemed an eternity before softly replying.”I don’t know Somehow medical school seems unimportant and distant at this moment. I am not sure I have the energy that rigorous academic pursuits demand.”Arlene made no attempt to sell a solution but enrolled him in hours off conversation inquiring as to what he saw as the future for he,Danny,herself and children if they were blessed to have them.Her non-judgmental loving presence eventually led Michael to spend days probing all of the options ,and he concluded that perhaps medicine could be a place to turn his grief into the loving service of others.

“My God my God why have you forsaken me “the words that Jesus spoke on the cross kept going through Michael’s mind like a broken record as he sat there in stunned shock staring at the coffin of his 12-year-old brother. There was very little in Michael’s life that meant more to him than his Catholic faith but he had never felt so tested. How could he accept the tragic death of his innocent twelve year old brother with the image of a loving God ?It was absurd to have a rational perspective or to reconcile the image of Donny splashing joyfully in the water with his young body lying still in a coffin.The hours of the steady stream of visitors at the funeral home did little to assuage his confusion. Statements like”Be strong and offer up your suffering for the souls in purgatory” were so ridiculous that he was tempted to sharply respond. However, he understood at some level that they were well-intentioned ,but they did not for a second help him. There was a moment when he almost lost his temper. One of his neighbors said”thank God you still have Danny” he flinched and thought how could anyone think it was a benefit rather that an unspeakable loss..He could feel the rage rising in him at that moment, but realized that it was merely the discomfort of the speaker.The more difficult challenge was dealing with the anger he felt within himself.

Michael had never experienced anger at so many levels. He was angry at the electrician for carelessly leaving electrical power in an area where people were swimming.He was angry that it took so long for the ambulance to arrive at the scene of the accident. He was even angry at God for taking his mother and adding a second burden .How could allowing Donny to die help his faith? He had accepted the first loss ,but this was beyond the pale of faith..All of these were targets for his anger, but most of all he was angry at himself.

The reverberating questions that prosecuted everything about that day were never ending.. Why had he decided to go to the bay instead of going to the beach?Why had swimming become a priority instead of throwing a football around on the beach in Belmar?. Why had he lost sight of Donny in the water? It was his responsibility to take care his brother , and he felt he failed miserably. Every waking moment he was inundated with every detail of that fateful day.

The next few days were a series of roller coaster emotions dealing with the funeral home, the burial mass and the torturous image of seeing his brother’s coffin placed in a grave. He had barely slept since that horrible day at the bay ,but despite his fragile state of mind somehow was able to spend hours talking with Danny about what it happened. After his mother’s death Danny had been relatively closed mouth about his feelings .Michael had made sustained attempts to get him to talk about what he was experiencing. He had no facile answers for Danny, but knew that somehow he to find ways to tap into the pain and confusion that he knew his brothers was experiencing.

As a Biology major one of the most challenging courses for Michael in his junior year at the University was Organic Chemistry.The second week of the spring semester the professor wrote a series of answers to the main topics that would be covered ion the course.Few of the students paid scant attention to these details but Michael wrote them all down and memorized the answers to the problems.He was amazed two months later when the final exam in the course was literally what he professor had written on the board two months prior. Before he answered the questions he raised his hand and requested that he speak with his professor. As the professor made his way to Michael’s desk he said ‘Is there a problem?” Michael always aware of the ethical considerations of every issue whispered “the day you wrote those on the board I memorized them and am not sure that my test results would be ethically achieved.”The professor stroked his chin in amazement. “Mister McNally you are a rare bird and please answer the questions because if you were wise enough to memorize the answers without malice or forethought you deserve the grade that your wisdom will provide”Michael aced the course, and kept his straight A record in all course work intact.

Arlene had finished her program at the Katherine Gibbs finishing school and was presently employed at the prestigious law firm Henry and Doyle in Jersey City. She and Michael had planned on a June wedding at the end of Michael’s junior year .They thought it would be a time less hectic than the following year when Michael would be entering medical school in the fall. Michael had applied to four medical schools in the area ,but his first choice was Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia.
Arlene and Michael were married on June 6th in St.Alolysius Church. Donny and Danny were the best men ,and Mary Ellen McGlynn Arlene’s dear friend was the maid of honor. Father McNulty was the celebrant of the nuptial mass, and delivered a beautiful tribute to both Arlene and Michael and their families in the homily.The ceremony was followed by a reception at the Casino in the park paid for by Arlene’s oldest brother a successful owner of a food produce company.

After the reception the newly married couple drove to Belmar for their honeymoon. Aunt Mary had vacated her home for a week and they began their married life at the shore..It was a lovely cottage one block from Lake Geneva the small body of water that separated Belmar and Spring Lake.The following week Aunt Mary and Donny and Danny joined the love birds for and extended vacation.Michael had a job at the Mommouth resort in Spring Lake as a tennis assistant, and Arlene after two weeks returned to her job in Jersey City.Every Friday she would make the trip back to the shore .One Saturday in the beginning of August Michael had the day off and he and Arlene took the boys to the bay in Point Pleasant.The ocean in Belmar had been quite rough with dangerous riptides due to a recent storm and was precarious for swimmers.

Arriving at the bay they picked a spot at the northwest corner of the pier which had a series of picnic tables.They were all in bathing suits already because they had changed at the home of Arlene’s cousin. Eating was the last thing that Donny wanted to do but ate his sandwich in record time. He could not wait to go swimming but Michael utilized the one hour rule before they could go into the water.The swimming area was crowded but Donny led the parade and performed a perfect cannonball into the water. Shrieks of joy and playful dunkings were happening all over the area, Michael dunked Danny and was in turn submarined by Donny. After an hour or so Donny swallowed some water and decided to swim to the ladder and take a short break .As he ascended the ladder he was unaware that an electrician was working on a neon sign and had forgotten to cut the power when he went to his truck for a Phillips screwdriver. Donny who was still partially in the water accidentally touched the sign and the electrical current went through his body. The electrician in horror witnessed Donny being electrocuted and raced to shut off the current. Michael ,Arlene and Danny were still in the water, but became aware of some type of commotion on the pier. Michael looking around but could notfind Donny and \swam to the area of the commotion on the pier .Climbing the ladder Michael noticed that there was a large group of people at the edge of the pier. Michael was calling Donny’s name out as he made his way to the crowd hoping that his brother was somewhere in the area. He was overcome with fear when he saw Donny cradled in the arms of two men. Michael raced to Donny and held him in his arms”He;s my brother.What happened to him?”At that moment an ambulance arrived on the pier and two emergency technicians rushed to Donny’s aid. Michael was requested to let them attend to him but after a few minutes one of the attendants asked Michael if he was related to the young boy.Michael was beside himself and said yes he is my brother are you taking him to the hospital?”The technician sadly responded.”I am sorry,,he is gone and there is nothing we can do but take him to the Hospital. Michael literally collapsed to his knees and Arlene and Danny embraced him.Losing his Mother was wrenching, but this death was a mountain that Michael would have to climb for years.

It was a truism in Jersey City and Bayonne that if you talked to a stranger for three minutes you had a host of common friends. If you spoke for five minutes you were related. The city connections through athletics and activities like the catholic youth league and summer Jersey basketball allowed Michael to seamlessly have a network of friends at Seton Hall.It was almost immediate that Tom Heiart,Bert Burke ,Jack Rority and Paul Bronkowski became Michael’s new band of brothers.Of course there was also the addition of Jim Manning affectionately known as the “maniac” because of the legendary stories that were unfortunately all true.Michael had witnessed one of these outrageous happenings previously on St Patty’s day in New York. The maniac had somehow smuggled a woodsman’s saw into a suite at the Biltmore Hotel.At one point of the afternoon the maniac completely inebriated and an accomplice sawed a piano in half.This was only outdone several hours later when for some reason he held up traffic by running naked through the Lincoln tunnel. His arrest and short stay at the Bellevue psych ward were whitewashed due to the fact that his father was the chief of police in Bayonne.

Have a rough draft of the beginning and the third part of the new novel. Have started to write the middle which is the story of the second character Michael McNally

There are times in the life cycle when everything seems to be in sync and all of the stars are in alignment. Senior year for Michael McNally had gone way beyond his wildest dreams. The first of the magical moments had been his acceptance into Notre Dame on a basketball scholarship He was class valedictorian, editor of the yearbook and in the running for Hudson County basketball player of the year. The icing on the cake came last Friday night. St Aloysius had never defeated their arch rival St Peter’s Prep twice in the same season. Almost blown away in the first half ,they railed in the second half and with a minute and a half to go they were losing by four points. St Aloysius guard Bobby Brennan stole an inbound pass dribbled the lane made a layup and was fouled.He made the foul shot, and St Al’s trailed by one point. St Peters called time out, and attempted to freeze the ball ,and kept passing the ball around the perimeter . Michael anticipated one of the passes, and slapped at the ball and one of the St Peter’s players kicked it out of bounds St Aloysius called its last time out, and Coach Bob O Connor set up an in bounds pass with eight seconds to go. Bobby Brennan threw the ball to Johnny Farawell and Center Jack Hartnett created a pick as Michel took a pass from Farawell and hit a eighteen foot jump shot.When the ball swished through the nets the home crowd went wild and stormed the court.Micheel was hoisted in glory and carried to the locker room. . St. Aloysius had never beaten their chief basketball nemesis two times in a single season before that glorious moment.
The ultimate joy for him was that his entire family was at the game. It was the first time that his father had seen him play in any sporting event.His mother and father were both hoarse from cheering, and his two younger brothers were emulating the winning shot over and over again every day in the backyard. It truly was the time when Michel had caught the brass ring on life’s merry go round. His senior year was filled with so many wonderful moments and more to come, the prom the state tournament, employment at the Jersey Shore this summer and then off to his dream school in the fall.
Michael was literally the conquering hero the Monday after the St.Peters game and he was almost late for class because so many students stopped at his locker to praise and congratulate his performance. Slamming his locker shut he bolted up the stairs to the second floor and made it to his seat as the bell rang. History class was one of Michael’s favorite classes and he was busy taking notes when the loudspeaker came on and requested that he report to the principal’s office. Michael thought little of this, and mused it probably had something to do with his being the editor of the yearbook. Despite all of his other responsibilities he had worked tirelessly on the year book, and was advised that the final copy would be available for review this week.
Bouncing down the stairs two at a time he came to the principal’s office, and was pleased to see his favorite priest Father Frank McNulty in the office with Sister Gertrude Jose. “Good morning Sister,good morning Father Frank did you need to see me?”Father McNulty usually would banter with Michael ,but there was an air of seriousness on his face ,and Michael could not initially fathom what the purpose of this summons was. Father McNulty placed his hand on Michael’s shoulder and said”Mike I am afraid that I have really bad news for you.” Michael was confused, and thought perhaps Notre Dame had revoked his scholarship. “What is it Father? “I just received a call from your Father. Your Mother had a heart attack at home.”The words took the breath away from Michel and he blurted out””is she in the hospital? Will she be alright? “Father Frank’s face betrayed that it was only the first level of the bad news. “Mike I am afraid that your Motherr did not survive the attack. she died.” He fell to his knees and all of the joy and wonder of the past few weeks evaporated. Father Frank hugged him and said.”I will get my car keys and drive you home. Your father will need you to be there when he tells your brothers.”
Michael sat in a chair trying to tell himself that this was not happening as Sister Gertrude sat by him holding his hand in loving supportive silence.
Michael’s world had changed in an instant. All the joy and wonder of senior year seemed to evaporate with his mother’s death. The wake and the funeral were a blur, and he realized that his father in many ways was more lost than he.His mother had been the heart of the family, and though his father was a good provider he was not the warm and loving presence of his mother. There was no physical contact between he and his sons, and Michel felt an overwhelming responsibility not to replace his mother, but to provide some of her caring for Danny and Donald. They were only ten and fourteen and he knew that in many respects he was their hero. Going to Notre Dame was definitely no longer a possible choice, and instead he decided to enroll at Seton Hall University.Living at Seton Hall would have been so much more rewarding than being a day hop student but he was truly needed more at home. His dream of playing college basketball seemed insignificant in light of his new fond responsibilities.

Despite the late date I have decided to run for president,In order to have complete transparency I will release my two million personal emails as well as my tax records. All of my public speeches and fee structures will be available for public scrutiny.

I will build a wall around Boston ,and get Italy to pay for it.My foundation”Americans in search of real Italian food” will be at arms length from my campaign.Amnesty will be immediately available for all who believe that Chef Boyardee is excellent Italian cuisine as long as they vow never to open another can of that garbage.The bathroom facility at my campaign headquarters will be available to all regardless of gender or sexual preference.
My positions on immigration,trade income inequality,climate and rebuilding infrastructure are open to ever changing flip flops.
I will self fund my campaign by selling my life story”From Siciliy to Jersey City ” to the New York Times”.However small unmarked bills in envelopes will be accepted by my staff.Bernie Madoff has agreed to be my financial adviser and the governor of Maine will be my primary speech writer,
If you are unhappy with other candidates please write my name in and as the cheese manufacturers say”Lets make America grate again.”

Regrets come in all forms because some are irretrievable and others are still able to be changed.There are opportunities within the pain of regrets but they often require action.If at the center of regret is the realization that behavior caused pain to others there may be the path to resolution by a genuine apology.It may still be an opportunity to ask for forgiveness, or perform acts of remediation.
There are also many regrets that can still find solutions.I hear it all the time.”I wish I had gone back to school”or “I wish I could be more outgoing”or I wish I had pursued my desire to start my own business.”These and a host of different issues that nag at our hearts and minds may still be able to be filed into categories of achievements rather than regrets.