Despite the late date I have decided to run for president,In order to have complete transparency I will release my two million personal emails as well as my tax records. All of my public speeches and fee structures will be available for public scrutiny.
I will build a wall around Boston ,and get Italy to pay for it.My foundation”Americans in search of real Italian food” will be at arms length from my campaign.Amnesty will be immediately available for all who believe that Chef Boyardee is excellent Italian cuisine as long as they vow never to open another can of that garbage.The bathroom facility at my campaign headquarters will be available to all regardless of gender or sexual preference.
My positions on immigration,trade income inequality,climate and rebuilding infrastructure are open to ever changing flip flops.
I will self fund my campaign by selling my life story”From Siciliy to Jersey City ” to the New York Times”.However small unmarked bills in envelopes will be accepted by my staff.Bernie Madoff has agreed to be my financial adviser and the governor of Maine will be my primary speech writer,
If you are unhappy with other candidates please write my name in and as the cheese manufacturers say”Lets make America grate again.”