Sal's Reflections

The townhouse which had been his haven away from the rigors and responsibilities of his surgical world now became a place of haunting memories.Arlene’s presence was everywhere, in a vase that she loved ,in the color of the walls and the selection of her favorite paintings. The lingering residue of all of the wonderful moments that had been shared in this home was unbearable especially after sunset. The early evening with increasing shadows of darkness engulfed him into a loneliness that often led to his leaving the building and wandering around the neighborhood for hours. He never wished to frequent the little restaurants and bistros that were their regular stops, and found that Café Nero was a preferable choice. He often would sit there until closing and then take the longest route possible home.

The following months after Arlene’s death were not anything new as far as the intensity of the loss, but this time it was different. One of the keys to working your way through the grieving process was to have an ally that would be constantly available. When his mother had died Arlene had been there. She was not only his rock, but became a second mother to his young, vulnerable brothers, When Donald was killed in that horrible accident at the beach she was the one who was the glue that held them together. Also ,when tragedy struck again. and Donald died in his arms on the basketball court she was the one who adsorbed his tears ,and allowed his pain and confusion to surface. She had been the safe harbor, and now when he needed her the most she was gone. Her death stole his biggest ally to combat the pain, and he was stripped naked before the endless torture of her absence.

One bright Tuesday morning Michael decided that moping around the house feeling sorry for himself was a strategic mistake. He had no illusions that he could dismiss his grief, and instantaneously get on with his life, but he needed more social contact. Mary and the rest of his children were consistently a presence, but he needed to allow them to get back to their own lives. Scanning his cell phone list he stopped at the number of Jim Tracy his accountant who lived in Nanuet. Jim had called almost weekly inviting him out to lunch,.Today he decided to join Jim in Nanuet.

The traffic was fairly light as he crossed the George Washington Bridge, and entered the Palisades Parkway.His eyesight ,which had been failing over time ,was having difficulty with the glaring sunshine ,and for the past two miles he had frequently drifted into the speed lane. On each occasion a blaring horn had startled him, and he made a sharp turn back to the inside lane.The next time he drifted the move back was too radical ; he hit the curb on the shoulder and lost complete control. He was wearing a seat belt, but the car crashed into a tree and the impact launched him toward the doorThe front windshield was shattered ,and shards grazed his face and forehead. Witnesses to the accident stopped and one called 911. Before long he was placed in an ambulance and whisked off to Good Samaritan hospital.

“That deer jumped right in front of me and that is when I lost control of the car.”
Michael McNally told the same story over and over again to explain why he had lost control of his car, and crashed into a tree. In fact there was no deer, but this fabrication was his way of saving face, and avoiding the reality that his sight was severely impaired. He had hid the recent diagnosis of macular degeneration from his family, but they were aware that his eyesight was failing. His daughter Mary had been worried about him especially since the death of her mother. The last two years had been a drain on his vitality as he cared for Arlene through the final stages of her illness. The foundations of his world had vanished, and the certitude of Arlene’s presence and his medical career were only memories as he tried to piece together how he would spend whatever time was left.

The injuries from the accident were not life threatening, but because of the concussion the attending physician decided to keep him overnight for observation. Mary had arrived at the hospital, and seated by his bed had begun a conversation that she hoped would bring some decisions for the future.
“Dad I know that this was not your fault, but I would feel more at ease if I knew that you were safe and secure.” Michael winced because he knew where this conversation would lead.”Mary this was pure and simply a case of a deer jumping in front of my car.”Mary knew that a frontal assault on this would be in vain, so she attempted a roundabout incursion that would be less threatening. “I know that Dad, but I have had concerns about your staying at home, and though you know Tom and I would love to have you live with us, the boys would drive you crazy.” Mary was referring to the four hellions aged five to eleven that made living in the house an adventure. Michael smiled”I love them Mary, but there is no way that I will live with you. I would like to remain where I am.” Mary ever the barnacle tried again. “Dad you know that there are places where you could keep your independence but you would have fewer responsibilities. I know that Mom had a friend who lived at Fox Hill and loved it. When you are released I would like us to explore the options.” Michael knew that Mary like his wife was like a dog with a bone, and there was no way she was going to abandon this issue. Reluctantly he agreed, but there was not a twinge of enthusiasm for leaving his home.

Doctor Vic De Fino had been a cherished friend and colleague of Michael’s for over thirty years, and was privy to the medical changes that had occurred the last year. Entering the hospital room he greeted Mary with a kiss and hug. Turning to Michel he said”Well is it true that you are going to apply for the Nascar tour?” Michel smiled and quipped “You and the white horse you rode in on.””Well I can see that despite the poor quality of medical care here you have survived your encounter with Bambi.”” I am sure you think that’s funny, but it is a simple fact. No one could have avoided losing control of the car.”Doctor DeFino smiled turned to Mary and said”Mary could you please step outside for a few minutes while I examine this curmudgeon. “Mary picked up her sweater and said.”I will go to the cafeteria and be back in a while Dad.”
Once Mary left the room the gloves came off ,and Vic DeFino waded into the real crux of the issue.”Michael I don’t know whether there was a deer or not, but you can no longer hide the fact that you have lost significant sight. Driving a car is no longer an option,, and I have been silent up to now but can no longer allow it”Michael knew this was true, but felt a wave of anger toward his colleague and friend”. Are you a member of the sight police?” “Cut the bullshit Michael if the roles were reversed you would take the same stance. It is time for you to face the reality of your situation.” “Alright but don’t say anything to Mary. You and I can discuss it next week.” “Alright good buddy and I know you are pissed at me for bringing it up, but together we will find ways to handle all of your needs.”

Michael spent Christmas day with Mary and the delight of the children opening presents took a slight edge off the reality that Arlene had died. Michael stayed through lunch, but returned to his townhouse late in the afternoon. The day was bitter cold, and Michael was overwhelmed by the sadness that gripped him as he entered the foyer. Every item in this beautiful residence reflected the loving touch of Arlene. The townhouse was the home that Arlene had created through the years.The paintings,furniture,drapes and even the Venetian chandelier were selected by her.He had been involved in design, but the reality was that Arlene was the architect and decorator. He sat for awhile in the library which had become Arlene’s bedroom ,and stared at the slight indentation in the leather chaise lounge where Arlene had spent much of the last few months..
The overcast sky and encroaching darkness seemed to reflect the state of his emotions. He finally hung up his overcoat, and made his way to the kitchen. The phone rang and it was Mary making sure that he had arrived safely at home. She told him that she would come by early in the morning to pick up Arlene’s dress even though there would be a closed coffin. He was so grateful to Mary who had stepped immediately into the breech, and took care of all the funeral details. Before closing the conversation she informed him that Michael Junior would be arriving that night from San Francisco, and Tom would pick him up. He was glad that his son was staying with his sister because he did not have the energy to engage him that evening.

Michael rose early the day after Christmas and began to organize himself for the first day of the viewing at the funeral parlor. He turned on his cell phone, and saw that his messages were full to overflowing. It did not seem imperative that he answer any of these so he decided to shower, dress and attempt to prepare himself mentally for the afternoon. Mary Tom and Michael Junior arrived a little after noon ,and reminded of Mary’s bucket request Michael warmly greeted and hugged each of them. There was small chatter about Junior’s flight and his adjustment to the time zone, but little else. Mary had brought sandwiches and suggested that it would be worthwhile to eat before leaving for the funeral home.

As Michael and the family entered the funeral parlor conversation had completely ceased. They had arrived one hour before the visitations began, and you could almost hear the shattering of their hearts. Arlene had requested a closed casket so Mary had selected photos of her life ,and a video that had been shot at their home on Arlene’s 70th birthday. Michael immediately went to the kneeler in front of the casket, and silently asked his Lord to give him strength to get through the next few days. He rose, gently touched the casket ,and made his way to one of the front chairs. The children followed suit, and before long the endless line of visitors began to enter the funeral parlor. The noise level at one point was so loud that Mary considered saying something ,but Michael reached out and touched her hand .He cautioned her saying” it is not a sign of disrespect to you mother Mary, All of these people loved her, but they have not seen each other, and this is just their way of their reconnecting.”

The visiting line went on for over three hours, and there were colleagues’ friends and many of the people whose lives had been changed by Arlene’s many volunteering activities. Each of them had a story which consistently reminded Michael of what a tremendous gift Arlene had been in his life. When the afternoon period had ended Mary had arranged for the family to have dinner near the funeral parlor The evening was a repetition of the afternoon and Michael was finally home by 10 o’clock. He listened to the bevy of messages that had been left on the phone ,and with each one there was the reinforcement that Arlene was truly dead. The mind in the grief process is so overwhelmed with memories ,and each call conjured up moments of their life together. The last few months had taken a heavy toll on Michael, and it was imperative that he get to bed and try to be rested. He knew that the next few days would be emotionally and physically draining.

The most difficult moment came on the second day of Arlene’s viewing when all of the visitors were asked to leave ,and the family would spend a few minutes alone in the room saying their goodbyes. As they were escorted to the limousines they waited for the flower car to be filled.Michael glanced out the window as Arlene’s casket was being placed in the hearse .Mary leaned her head on his shoulder, and suddenly there was complete silence in the limousine.

Arlene had requested that she be buried from the Jesuit church on 86 Street St. Ignatius Loyola, It reminded her of Il Gesu the mother church of the Jesuits in Rome.As the family entered the church they were struck by the beautiful combination of American, European and African marbles employed throughout the entrance and sanctuary. As they walked up the aisle to the front pews the organ filled the church with the beautiful notes of the Prayer of St Francis
Michael was holding Mary’s hand as the procession from the back of the church began. They all stood as Arlene’s casket was followed by the priests and altar boys. There were five priests on the altar, and all had a personal connection to the family. Father McNulty a lifelong friend, though ill, was to be the main celebrant of the mass. He began the liturgy by facing the congregation and said”: We are here today to celebrate the life of our beloved Arlene. It is a day filled with tears, but also joy because there has never been anyone more worthy to enter the kingdom of heaven. “

The readings were read by Mary and Tommy. After the gospel reading Father McNulty ascended the pulpit to deliver the eulogy. Father McNulty’s words were touching because he truly knew and loved Arlene. One of the heart wrenching moments of the liturgy was the presentation of the gifts by the grandchildren. Michael was touched by the beauty of every aspect of the liturgy. The only moment of fleeting anger for Michael came at communion time when his son Michael Junior remained in the pew, and made no attempt to receive communion .Michael mused to himself even now he will not give an inch.

Michael had requested that he speak at the end of the mass. He l had written the eulogy because he was fearful that he would break down, and not be able to keep his focus He ascended the pulpit ,took a deep breath and began to read a poem from W H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let airplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message ‘she is Dead’.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

“If I were to end the eulogy with the words of that meaningful poem it would only be half of the story ,because in this shattered heart there is the strongest conviction that all who were privileged to know her have been blessed beyond measure. In the last year despite her weakened condition she continued to put everyone else first. Even the nurses at the hospital were part of her ongoing group to be loved and cherished. Arlene had a heart that continuously expanded, and included everyone she met. I have of all who knew her been the most blessed because I met her in the fifth grade She had first been my friend, then my love , a marvelous wife ,mother and grandmother .The one thing that she took to every role was her love, and she had that rare gift of making everyone feel special. The one thing that consoles me at this moment is the reality that one day we will be reunited with her in heaven. For now I pray that the memories will sustain us as the reality of her loss settles in .She was and is one-of-a-kind and I would like to close with a line from her favorite play, Les Miserables. “When one loves they see the face of God .Everyone in this church has seen the face of God because of her love”

With Christmas rapidly approaching Arlene wished to have daily visits from family and friends. Michael felt at times that he was arranging the schedule for a dignitary, because there literally were dozens of requests. Arlene, in a very real sense, was dying the way she had lived her life. Attentive to each and every visitor, she continued to have that rare gift that made everyone believe that they were her best friend. She was by nature and temperament a giver, and even cancer could not rob her of who she was. In the summer realizing that her time was limited, she had earmarked all of her most prized possessions for those who held the most important portions of her heart. Each of the children and grandchildren, as well as Michael, had been given a gift and an accompanying note.

Three days before Christmas the physical changes became more noticeable. Unlike her normal outgoing personality ,she would at times withdrew from conversation, and have periodic bouts of staring into space. She often would have no recollection of these periods, and up to now she would always bounce back. On December 22nd she called out to Michael who was in the kitchen making himself a cup of coffee. She screamed ”Michael, Michael where are you?” He rushed to the bedroom and when he entered she said “Donny and Danny were just here.I saw them and they talked to me.” Michael immediately realized that visions and hallucinations were part and parcel of the process. He did not deny their presence, and accepting that they had been there seemed to comfort Arlene. He gently stroked her arm ,and softly spoke as she repeated the story over and over again..She was having difficulty swallowing, so he pressed the control of the hospital bed and raised her head. He coated her lips which had become rather dry, and placed a few tiny ice chips in her mouth. The pain had become constant, and she required increasing amounts of morphine.

Fortunately between long bouts of sleep she would awaken, and would always inquire about the date. Michael had requested his friend Father Ray Aumack to visit the morning of December 22nd to perform the anointing of the sick. Arlene was conscious, and immediately recognized Father Ray. Amazingly she was able to actually have a short conversation with him, and as he anointed her she seemed peaceful Outside the room Fr Ray put his hand on Michael’s shoulder and asked’How are you holding up? “ “As usual I naively thought that knowing she was going to die would help ,but it really doesn’t. I don’t want her to suffer, but the thought of going on without her is impossible at this time.” Fr Ray did not feel the need to shower Michel with any pat phrases but said’ I am always available to you Michael ,and when she dies I would be honored to be one of the concelebrants at the funeral mass.”.Michael embraced his dear friend and said”Thanks Father I certainly would love to have you on the altar.”Saying those words was another step in the realization that his emotional anchor was slipping away. She had been his rock through the tremendous pain and confusion of losing his mother and brothers in such sudden deaths, She had been there to comfort him two years ago when his father died, and it was hard to imagine life without her. Arlene had been his haven for love and understanding, and probably in a few days she would be physically gone. He walked Fr Ray out and went back to the bedroom .Arlene had slipped into a deep sleep. He sat on the bed holding her hand for the next few hours.

Christmas eve mass had always been one of the highlights of the season for the McNallys ,and even though Arlene was in and out of a coma Michael decided to have the Popes Christmas eve Mass on the widescreen Tv.The hospice nurse Mary Anne Ryan had coffee with Michael that morning ,and he asked her “how long do you think she has.?” He was aware of all of the indicators of immediate death, but respected the opinion of someone who dealt with this daily” Michael you know it is always difficult to be precise ,but seeing her this morning I believe it may be sometime today. “They chatted for a bit and Michael excused himself, and went to the bedroom and found the channel which had on the Pope’s Mass.He responded to every part of the liturgy as is if he was actually present at St Peters ,and at times being aware that hearing was the last faculty to go spoke regularly to Arlene during the liturgy. She, like he, was a great fan of the current Pope, and he hoped that she could hear the loving words of the pope during his sermon. As the liturgy progressed her breathing became more and more shallow. Mary Anne, also an Irish Catholic, had entered the room and crossed herself as she sat in the chair nearest to the bed. Just before the kiss of peace Michel heard a few sounds that he knew were indicative of the final moments. At the kiss of peace he touched her face ,and placed a kiss on both cheeks. Arlene appeared to exhale, and there was a long breath and then silence. Mary Anne rose from the chair and listened for a pulse and a heartbeat, She turned to Michael and said “She’s ‘gone. “Michael collapsed in uncontrollable sobs, and Maryi Anne cradled him and adsorbed his tears.

It is not uncommon for someone who is dying to muster their energy to attend some special event. In Arlene’s case it was the trip to Ireland. Almost miraculously the trip went off without a hitch, but at the end of the trip she was barely able to function. She slept most of the flight back to the states ,and had to be literally carried to the limo at Kennedy Airport. The past eight days she had been either in bed or on the chaise lounge. Her breathing had become labored ,and she was required both day and night to have oxygen.

One family McNally tradition was the trimming of the tree at the beginning of December with the grandchildren. The date was set back due to their vacation ,,but Arlene wished to carry on one of her favorite days. The children arrived on Saturday the15th of December, and the most enthusiastic of the grandchildren was five year old Timmy. Racing into the bedroom he gazed at the tree turned, and ran to his grandmother who was sitting on her chaise lounge. After hugging her Timothy looked perplexed. “Why do you have on pajamas Nana?”Arlene smiled and said”I have been sick Timmy so I keep them on all day.”This information seemed to agree with Timmy’s past experience. “When I am sick I stay in my pajamas, and mommy lets me stay on the sofa and watch TV. Sometimes I throw up.” Arlene loved how literal children are at this age and smiled at Timmy. He continued to engage her in conversation.: “What’s that up your nose?”, referring to her source of oxygen. “This helps Nan breathe.” That input did not register with Timmy ,and he could not fathom why something up your nose helps. “Sometimes I stick my finger up my nose to get a bugger, but it doesn’t help me breathe.” Arlene had to cover her mouth in order to repress the urge to laugh. The rest of the children had after kissing Arlene begun to trim the tree ,but Timmy was more interested in continuing his chat. Sitting beside her he asked” When will you get better Nana”?These were the difficult questions to answer for a five year old, and Arlene struggled with her response.”I am not sure Timmy.” With that Timmy joined his siblings and on more than one occasion almost knocked the tree over in his attempts to –place ornaments high up on the tree.

After an hour Michael came into the bedroom bearing brownies,cookies and hot chocolates. Most of the children sat during their snack break near the tree ,but Timmy apparently had some unfinished business with Nana.Chewing on a brownie He asked’When I get sick I always get better.Can we give you soup to make you better. ?” Arlene patted his head ,and did not wish to lie to him because at some future date she would be physically gone.”Timmy Nana may have to go away to get better.” Timmy had never gone away when he was sick so he needed more details.”Where will you go?”Arlene thought to herself this is not easy to explain to a five year old.” I may have to go to a place like Disney World.?” Timmy’s face beamed” Can I come with you?” No it is only for grown ups.” Will Mickey Mouse be there?”” No but there will be angels.” Timmy thought that was cool ,turned and pointed to the top of the Christmas tree, “Like the one on top?” “Yes Timmy like that one.” “Can I come and see you there?”” no but whenever you want to talk to Nana I will ask Grandpa to give you a big picture of me.You can put it in your room and talk to me whenever you want. “That offer seemed to satisfy Timmy and knowing that Nana was in good hands with the angels he was sure that she would get better.

After the children left Aqrlene recounted the morning interaction with Michael.Her appetite had completely vanished but she was constantly thirsty. She thought it was time to discuss getting Michael some help with her care. Vic DeFino had suggested that they employ Hospice but Michael up to now resisted that idea.Arlene believed that his refusal for help hinged on the finality of her situation. She realized that having a Hospice nurse in the home would signal that the end was near. She was gentle but firm in her decision ,and Michael realized that it would be beneficial for both of them.

The time in Ireland had been exhilarating for Arlene ,but had considerably drained her energy . She daily over the last few months was having difficulty walking and often experienced a high degree of pain.Michael had insisted that the day after the venture to the Cliffs of Moher that she sleep in, and have a late breakfast. Arlene followed Michael’s advice, but in the afternoon pleaded with him to call Fin and arrange for lunch, and a brief shopping excursion in Doolin.On the way to town she asked Fin if there was a shop in town that specialized in Irish wrist watches. Fin immediately responded that McCrory’s was a jewelry shop near Gus O’Connors Pub that had an exquisite assortment of watches, but the prices were quite high.”While you are at lunch I will walk to the shop ,and make certain that they will be open after you finish your lunch.”
Gus O’Connor’s Pup was crowded but apparently Fin had some pull with the owner because on arrival Arlene and Michael were seated at a table with a reserved sign on it.Arlene’s appetite had almost completely vanished, but she managed to eat some Irish soda bread ,and half a bowl of soup. As before, she nursed a glass of Baileys whiskey, and ate a bit of Michael’s chocolate cake.
After lunch Fin met them at the front door, and drove the two blocks to McCrory’s Jewelry store. As Arlene exited the car Fin asked if she wanted to ride in the wheelchair ,but she said” I would prefer to walk. because the handsome man next to her had been flirting, and wished to walk arm and arm with her.” Michael said” You have inherited the Irish Blarney ,and by the way Fin it is she that is flirting with me”. Fin loved the loving playful banter that existed in their relationship, and could only imagine how painful her death would be for Michael.

Donald McCrory the proprietor of the Jewelry store was pleased to show Arlene a bevy of top of the line Irish watches. He insisted that they were finer than any timepiece that could be found in Switzerland. “They have better marketing, but our watches overall are finer and less expensive.”Michael looked over her shoulder and whispered in her ear”I hope my dear that you are not going to buy me another watch.I already have four that you have bought me through the years”Arlene asked for a chair to be brought to the viewing area and said to Michael as she sat”You are such a vain creature. What makes you think that this watch is for you?. Perhaps it is for my secret admirer. Now be on your way, and go to the front of the shop.” Michael laughed and made his way to the large black leather chair in the side room, and dutifully waited for her to finish.

Arlene choose a beautiful watch that had dials for the time, date and weather. She asked Mr .McCrory if it was possible to have the watch engraved that day because it was a gift ,and she was leaving for America the next day. Mr.McCrory was thrilled to have such an expensive sale ,and informed Arlene that an engraver was on the premises, and she would have the watch by eight o’clock that evening.” It will be delivered at your hotel. Is it a gift?” Arlene nodded and filled out the form for the inscription. After the purchase of the watch they returned to the Lodge and Michael insisted that Arlene take a nap before dinner.She agreed, and after a slight supper spent part of the night writing postcards to the children and grandchildren.

When Michael came to bed she was reading an Irish novel and placing the book on the nightstand she reached for a pouch that contained her rosary beads. As Michel sat next to her on the bed she took his face in her hands, and gently kissed both his eyes and cheek.” Michel I am so glad you resisted all the medical advice from our Doctors ,and allowed us to share this wonderful vacation.My life with you has been blessed beyond measure.” Michael returned her kiss and said “Medical advice is valuable my dear, but at times advice from the heart is more important.” “I agree and I would like to end this splendid day by our saying the rosary in gratitude for all we have,”

The last morning at the Limestone Lodge found Arlene and Michael having a leisurely breakfast. A messenger from McCrory’s had brought the watch the prior evening ,and instead of packing it Arlene had placed it in her handbag. Michael on witnessing her putting the gift box away requested that she give him the name of her secret admirer so he could challenge him to a duel.”We Irish do not take lightly to someone trying to carry our woman away.”Arlene refused to bow to the pressure ,and steadfastly kept the lover’s name a secret. Michael loved the fact that even at the end of her life Arlene could be so playful and loving.

At approximately at 10:30 Fin knocked on their door and asked if he could place their luggage in the car.He started to carry the suitcases out when Arlene requested that he return after loading the car. Michael made a sweep of both rooms to insure that nothing would be left behind. “Rest for a few minutes while I go pay the bill.” As he left Fin reentered the room and Arlene asked him to pull up a chair and sit next to her.Fin had many tourists in his ten year stint as a driver and tour guide, but none had touched his heart like the McNally’s. Arlene had a small gift box in her hand and said”Fin this has been one of the most special experiences of my life.,and you are largely responsible for the joy we have experienced.”Fin blushed at this statement and said”It has been my pleasure”. Arlene took the gift box and placed it in Fin’s hand.”Please open the box because it is a small token of our appreciation.” Fin was overwhelmed when he opened the box and saw a beautiful expensive wrist watch.”Arlene I don’t know what to say.””Look on the back Fin.”The carved inscription read”To Fin,who filled a dream for me at the Cliffs.Love,Arlene
Fin was speechless as Arlene reached out to hug him.He was not a man who easily cried but as he helped her into the wheelchair a tear dropped down his cheek.

Arlene had loved her first day in Ireland ,and fortunately she was relatively pain free and slept soundly.The next day had been as forecast,windy but clear, and the vistas from the breakfast room were breathtaking .Michael was more apprehensive about today than yesterday.His research beforehand alerted him to the reality that the Cliff excursion would present challenges for Arlene. Finishing his breakfast, he urged Arlene to stay and soak up the views for the next fifteen minutes. He went to the lobby and was preparing to contact Fin by phone when he spotted him having coffee and reading a newspaper
.
“Good morning Doctor I believe we have the perfect day to see the cliffs. I would advise you and Mrs.McNally to put on every piece of warm clothing because it can be quite chilly at this time of the year.”Michael thanked him for the advice and said”Fin my wife is seriously ill ,and this has been her dream to see the Cliffs, but I am worried that it may not be possible because she is limited as far as walking.” Fin listened intently and responded.” Doctor my mother died last year from cancer, and she loved this area.A week before she died I took her to her favorite spot ,and carried her up the steps so that she could see the full view. That memory fills my heart on the days I most miss her. It will be my honor to make sure it works perfectly for your wife.”Michael was so touched by this response that he could not speak, and warmly shook Fin’s hand.

Bundled up with blankets Arlene and Michael were captivated by Fin’s running commentary on the history of the area.The road to the Cliffs of Moher was very scary with very sharp switchbacks and was very narrow. It was known as the wild Atlantic Way. The ride though somewhat hazardous was breathtakingly beautiful. Michael spent more time looking at Arlene’s beaming face than the phenomenal views. Patches of treeless rock mountains and herds of cows and sheep appeared around each bend in the road. Arlene said to Michael”It is too bad there is not a place to park because these scenes would make wonderful photos.” Fin turned and offered “Mrs Mcnally there will be great places for photos once we reach the Cliffs””Thanks Fin but please call us Michael and Arlene”

Once they arrived at the parking lot Fin assembled the wheel chair and handled Arlene a thermos. Wrapping the blanket around her he winked and said” The thermos is filled with holy water which turns into Bailey’s whiskey once you say a silent prayer. You can use a sip or two to warm you.”

Walking from the parking lot to the cliffs there was a beautiful green field with paths in several directions, and cows were grazing in the fields right up to the paths along the edge of the cliffs. There were steps that go to the left or right, and Fin chose to take the stairs to the right that climbed up to the O’Brien Castle. Fin locked the wheel chair lifted Arlene into his arms and said..” This is going to be a long climb, but you and I are going to the top”. Michael was exceptionally nervous about the climb, and very focused on climbing the steps, and when he turned around his mouth dropped. He had never, ever seen such an incredible site. The beauty was beyond imagination, but also he was frightened
when he realized that the ocean lay 700 feet below. There was very little space between them and the edge, just a very low stone wall. On the opposite side, which was even higher, there was nothing along the path, , just the edge.Once they reached the top Arlene spent a very long time taking photos.. Below there was a smaller rock formation covered in grass. This was Goat Island, home of hundreds of puffins. The ocean was quiet, despite the winds.and they were able to see hundreds of beautiful white birds perched on the edges of the rocks. They looked like little white specks from so far up above.

Along the paths there were many people playing their instruments, flutes, accordions, and harmonicas. In a short period of time they heard two different renditions of”Danny Boy” and “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” adding to their total experience.
When they returned to the parking lot Arlene kissed Fin on the cheek and said”You will never completely understand what this day means to me.”Fin smiled and eased her into the wheelchair. Arlene had no way of knowing that for Fin it was like a beautiful day with his mother.

The Limestone Lodge was a lovely Inn near the town of Doolin, ,and 8 kilometers from the Cliffs of Moher. The driver Mr. Finnerty or”Big Fin” as he preferred to be called suggested that they rest for a wee bit, and then he would pick them up and drive them to a pub for lunch in the quaint town of Doolin. He proudly boasted that Doolin was the center of Irish music, and they were fortunate because Sean Doyle the famous singer and tin whistle player was in town for a three day stint at Gus O’Connor’s pup. He also suggested that they go to the Cliffs in the morning because the forecast was more favorable tomorrow rather than this afternoon.

Thanksgiving was all that Arlene hoped that it would be..There was a period of overt sadness and tears when Arlene confided to the family that her illness was terminal. However, the family rose to the occasion and the next four days were a love fest. Michael Junior and his father behaved admirably around Arlene, and she held the false impression that many issues had been resolved. In fact nothing had changed, and after the holiday both went back to their prior relationship.

As wonderful as the family gathering had been it taxed Arlene both mentally and physically. She had become incredibly frail ,but her ironclad will was determined to make the trip to Ireland. Despite the protests of her oncologist as well as Vic De Fino ,Arlene and Michael decided that this was such an important part of her bucket list that nothing should stop them from seeing the Cliffs of Moher. Michael personally through a local travel agent created the perfect schedule. As he prepared for the trip there was a twinge of regret because he thought to himself they should have made this trip years ago when things would have been much easier for her. There is always tendency to do that when one is faced with the reality that the person they most love in the world is going to die. That being said, Michael spent hours on trying to make this the perfect trip, With his usual bent towards research he gathered every conceivable piece of information about Irish pubs, restaurants and lodging This had to be within the confines of her physical ability a fabulous trip.

Arlene’s blood tests were confusing and it was difficult to make a definitive diagnosis. However, the ultra sound indicated there were small masses in the pelvic and lung areas. It was imperative to perform a bronchoscopy, and a biopsy to define whether this indicated cancer ,and if so what stage was the cancer in and was there metastasis.?

When Michael and Arlene showed up at Vic De Fino’s office he was in the waiting area, and ushered them into a room away from other patients. Michael realized that this attempt at privacy did not augur well. Vic sat close to both of them ,and presented the results. As he finished Arlene said” Vic do I have cancer?” Vic sighed and answered” we don’t know that yet, and I need you to spend an overnight in the hospital. I have contacted Dr. Clive who is the finest gastroenterologogist in the area to perform a bronchoscopy, and also we will biopsy the small masses. All of this will be performed under anesthesia.” Michael had a thousand questions, but deferred as to not share his panic with Arlene. He totally trusted Vic and knew of Dr. Clive’s outstanding reputation.

The next day Michael escorted Arlene to the hospital ,and immediately on entry they were treated as dignitaries. Michael was so loved and respected that everyone in the surgical area pledged to do everything in their power to make the one day a seamless success. Arlene was given a private room on the eight floor with a view of the East river. After she was prepared for the procedures Michael hugged and kissed her, and then found his way to Vic DeFino’s office.He had a host of questions, but realized that at this point Vic had no definitive answers. The next day and a half were longer than he could imagine ,and in fact Arlene handled the waiting period better than him.

The day after the tests Vic De Fino opened the folder with the results and almost wept. It was never easy for him to view such dooming indicators, but it was beyond painful when reading the fact that someone he loved had fourth stage cancer.

The results from Arlene’s tests as well as the Bronchoscopy left little doubt that Arlene had adenocarcinoma, and apparently the primary tumor in her esophagus had metastasized, and spread to other organs.Vic was devastated, and could find little hope in the results that were staring him in the face, In an hour Arlene and Michael were to be in his office, and though he often had the painful task of giving bad news to patients this was emotionally excruciating. Not only was Michael one of his closest friends and colleagues, but Arlene was truly one of the most special persons he had been privileged to know
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Exactly at ten minutes before nine Arlene and Michael arrived and were escorted into Vic’s office. It was apparent from Vic’s demeanor that the news was not positive. Michael immediately launched to a series of specific questions, but before Vic Could answer Arlene spoke. “Vic I have been around medicine for a good part of my life, and I need to have you answer one question.” Michael and Vic were silent as she again asked the critical question.”Do I have cancer?” Vic looked down at his hands, but knew he could not avoid the answer to that question. “I afraid you do Arlene.”Michael began to ask for the specific results of the tests, and what had the experts recommended as a treatment protocol.Although stunned Arlene placed her hand on Michael’s and said.” I know I will be in good hands so let’s begin to explore where we go from here.” Both Michael and Vic who were distraught could not get over the grace and courage in which Arlene handled the news.For the next hour they discussed the treatments that were available. Doctor Clive had recommended immediate surgery in order to contain the spread, and hopefully enhance her quality of life.

Michael’s world had been changed for the better over the last year. He had become emeritus at the University of Cornell surgical department ,and had greatly reduced his teaching schedule. Still on the board of directors at two no profits ,he felt that the next phase of his career was unfolding smoothly.Long term residents of New York he and Arlene had no intention of leaving their home, but they began to make significant plans for travel ,and longed for the opportunity to spend time away from the Northeast during the winter season.Wednesday which was almost a religious date for many of his surgeon friends regarding golf was the opposite for Michael.For years this was a day that he spent away from the stresses of medicine ,and was devoted solely to his family. Ever since their empty nest it was a weekly ritual when he and Arlene invariably left the city during the fall months, and traveled to Spring Lake for lunch and a walk on the beach.

The Jersey shore was part and parcel of their youth, and for many summers the family had spent weeks at a clip on Long Beach Island. Michael could not afford extended times away from his surgical practice, but arranged his schedule so that he had more than an occasional three day weekend during the summer months.The last few years had been really fulfilling as he had the opportunity to spend time with his children and grandchildren at the beach.The only member of the clan that never seemed to show up was Michael Jr who lived in San Francisco, and had never had a close relationship with his father.It bothered Michael, but over the years he had accepted the distance and understood that despite the lack of closeness, his son was firmly loved and accepted by his wife and other siblings.

Driving over the George Washington Bridge he and Arlene were struck by the physical beauty of the city on this majestic fall day. The sun was glistening off the construction site of the new World Trade Center, and the sky was literally without a cloud.Traffic was unusually light, and they chatted about a host of hopes and dreams on their way to Spring Lake. Arriving at their destination they were greeted by Antoine who graciously ushered them to their favorite table overlooking the ocean. The Golden Lantern was close to the beach, and their custom was to have lunch and then kick off their shoes and walk for miles along the coast.

Scanning the menu Arlene jokingly noted”I don’t even know why I look I always get the crab sandwich and the clam chowder.”As they ordered Arlene appeared to have a hacking coughing attack but waved It off as “something went down the wrong pipe.” The rest of the meal was uneventful, and they chided each other as they scanned the dessert menu.Arlene ever the chocolate maven decided on the seven layer cake, and though he teased her Micheal was thrilled because he would have the opportunity to share this marvelous dessert. As the cake appeared with two cups of decaf Michael held Arlene’s hand and said “Hope you have the generosity of spirit to leave me a few bites”Arlene laughed and passed a fork to Michael. She began to gingerly address the delicacy when out of the blue she turned ashen.She gripped her side and felt excruciating pain. She attempted to stand but almost fell as she pushed her chair away from the table. Michael was stunned by this immediate turn of events.”Arlene what is happening?” The pain had somewhat lessened and she sat back down.” I don’t know Michael but I had a severe pain in my side.” Are you ok now? He inquired?” Yes I am fine” and trying to make light of the situation offered”I was more frightened that you would eat the entire cake while I had discomfort.”
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Ever the physician Michael pressed for information about the pain, and surmised that Arlene was experiencing a form of a kidney stone attack. The rest of the meal was without incident, and yet Arlene suggested that they pass on their traditional post lunch walk-on the beach. Michael agreed but strongly suggested that she make an appointment to see their internist and his best friend Dr Vic DeFino.”It is probably nothing but you haven’t had a physical in a while, and I would feel better if Vic examined you.

The ride home was different than the ride to the shore, and though Michael tried to make light of what happened at lunch he had an uneasy feeling about what had occurred. When they arrived back in Manhattan he excused himself with the pretense that he was going downstairs to see if any packages had arrived. In reality he wanted to call his colleague Vic De Fino and get an immediate consultation. The phone rang twice and a voice said” Michael what a pleasant surprise.Are you in Spring lake?””No I am back in Manhattan ,and I know that you have a tough teaching schedule on Friday but could you find some time to see Arlene? “There was a pause on the line and Vic asked.Is she alright?.”” It is probably nothing but something happened at lunch that alarmed me. I just want to check it out”.Vic scanned his cell phone for Friday’s schedule and said” I could see her at my office around four thirty. “Michael paused” I will be teaching Is there any other time?” Vic teased Michael and said’It would be best if I saw her alone the first time. I will call you after “. Ok this may be much ado about nothing but I want to stay on top of this “. Vic said you are probably right but I don’t think I have seen her for over nine months. It is reasonable to do a complete physical , I will call you after I see her.”” Thanks Vic talk to you on Friday.”