Three critical days

Three days in November 1973 certainly could contend for the most stressful moments in my life. On the 28th of November Elaine and I wondered whether our first walk down the aisle was legitimate because the presiding priest my friend was married secretly at the time. In order to give our union certitude we were married again in Santa Clara. The next morning which also happened to be my birthday, I was to defend my dissertation ,and though all of the members had already signed off there was always that lingering thought that some professor from another part of the University could show up and ask questions which could lead to further work. The title Doctor could not be official until it was accepted and placed in the library. Fortunately this did not happen, the defense went perfectly and the bottle of Gattinara that had been saved for the event went down rather smoothly that afternoon at lunch..

The morning of November 30th was the last leg of the three day challenge as we flew home to meet my family. Elaine’s parents had visited mine in New Jersey in September but Elaine had never personally met my family. There was a certain amount of anxiety, but we had been warmed by the responses of my brother and sister in the last few months. When both had been asked about how they felt about my leaving the active ministry their response had been identical. “We loved Sal before he was a priest, while he was a priest and still love him now. This warmed my heart, and I knew that once my parents met Elaine their hearts would melt by seeing what a wonderful choice that I had made.

The only downside to the visit was that the family thought that we were far too skinny and had us eating course after course for the entire visit. It was a time of pressure, but once again the realization was front and center that we had been raised and loved by wonderful people, and that was the foundation of our future together.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Possibile Murder

One of the realities one must face as a clinician in a city psychiatric unit is that many persons do not grow up in the idyllic family. Many of the patient’s issues I was convinced had a biochemical foundation, but there were also many contributing family and social dynamics that also played significant roles. The key to being meaningful in this clinical setting was to not be too dependent on one absolute mode of therapy, and also to ward off personal pessimism and the sense that no one is capable of change.

There were incidents along the way that were filled with humor as well as sadness. Being in California the presence of earthquakes was a constant. One day in the middle of a session I could feel the floor start to tremble and I was keenly aware that we were about to experience an earthquake. One of the members in the group Gary who had a host of issues and rarely spoke immediately leapt from his chair and positioned himself under a doorway. The rest of the group was passive and needed incouragement from me to find an appropriate safe place. When the danger passed I went up to Gary and wished to inforce how appropriate his response was. Speaking in glowing terms and focusing on his specific behavior Gary smiled at my words. He went back to his chair turned to me and said.”I may be crazy but I am not stupid.”

On another occasion a woman in one of the groups started making great strides, and after about seven weeks appeared ready to live in a half-way house. She was bright ,and had new insights into her behavior. I believed that this was a real alteration in learning, and felt optimistic about her future. Before leaving the hospital she asked if I could see her on an outpatient basis. I was happy to see her professionally, and it was a pleasure to witness her progress to the point that she had secured a job, and was visiting her children on a regular basis.

After four sessions I believed that to continue to see her was to some degree a negative issue because I did not want her to become too dependent on me. She understood this rationale ,and at the last session she boldly asked me “Do you think that I am crazy.” I immediately responded with “absolutely not.” She seemed relieved and said” then I will tell you what I have told no one before”. She said when she was first admitted to the hospital she had trouble sleeping, and one night she was in the hallway at a far end in total darkness. She heard a commotion and observed a struggle between some man, one of the patients and a nurse. Presuming it was one of the usual outbreaks on the floor she was confused when one of the men said” where is my money?” A fight broke out and the one man covered the other with a blanket and then she heard what she thought was a gunshot. The noise was followed by silence and becoming fearful she hid behind a sofa. In the next few moments another man entered the hospital and he, the one with the gun, and the nurse wrapped the man in a blanket and took the body to the parking lot. She was petrified and told no one the tale until now.

The possibilities were limitless beginning with it could have been a dream, or her medications caused her to hallucinate so initially I did not think that she had actually witnessed this event. On the other hand this area was known for open drug dealing, and if she as actually awake and conscious she may have seen a murder. I did nothing with her version but after seven weeks of literally interrogating her I began to investigate whether this was even remotely possible. I spoke with her psychiatrist about her medications during the period. He assured me that she had made such progress since her former hospitalization that she was on no medications during that time period. The next step was to check the duty roster log and see which nurse was on duty that early morning.I was surprised to see that the notations from that morning seemed different from other days , and in checking with the nurse who was on duty she became rather aloof and defensive.

Finally I was convinced that she might have seen a murder and made an appointment to visit the San Jose police department. My patient held up beautifully during the rather rough interrogation by two seasoned detectives but it was clear that they thought she was mentally disturbed. Also if she had seen it then it was one last dealer they had to follow in the neighborhood. I was sure when we left that they had a good laugh about the “crazy lady and the naïve shrink.” I may have been wrong, but honestly I believed that it had actually happened.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Meeting the Family

My dissertation was well on its way and hopefully I will be able to defend in November. Elaine and I have kept the economy alive this past year by flying back and forth between San Diego and San Francisco. A month ago I visited Elaine’s family in Troy, New York. We decided that we would not tell them about my background initially so that there would be a greater chance of acceptance. The Murray’s were devout Catholics ,and Elaine’s uncle Father George was the Provincial of the Holy Ghost Fathers.

The four day visit went splendidly and unknown to me Elaine’s mother told her husband. “There is no way that he is not married with two kids. “Her father concurred and the morning we were to return to California we asked to speak with them in the family room. They were prepared for the “Sal is married with two children scenario but not for the fact that I was a former priest. You could cut the tension with a knife when we told them, and though they were gracious at the airport it was a very tense parting.

A few days after Elaine returned from Troy she received a letter from her father in which he stated all the reasons why Elaine should take time and think through any decision regarding a long term relationship, but obviously the covert message was do not get married. Elaine’s reaction initially was to respond with a message telling him that she was hurt by the response. I suggested “back up and give it time. Your parents love you and don’t know me from a hole in the wall. They’re obviously wonderful people and I am sure that at some point it will work out.”

Despite the situation we decided to get married in the Contini’s yard in June.Mary Contini who could have planned the D day invasion went into high gear, and it so happened that one of her neighbor’s daughters had cancelled her wedding at the last moment so we inherited all the trappings that were already paid for in advance. Most of the Italian specialties had been precooked and frozen by her neighbor plus Mary’s additional cooking skills made for a wedding feast. My good friend navy chaplain Jim Farrow was to officiate. Jim had been marvelous to me and I lived rent free in his apartment for the last six months. He was never there so I presumed he was staying on base. In reality he was married and because he wished to stay in the navy his wife lived secretly sixty miles away.

The wedding was attended by Mary Ellen McGlynn the maid of honor, and Elaine’s sister Georgia also made her way to the event without letting the cat out of the bag in Troy. It was a beautiful California day and the garden was magnificent. All of the Contini children were in attendance as well as our dear friends the Defino’s and the Pickett’s. My friend Dennis Mc Cormack from the graduate program was my best man.It was a perfect day and after the wonderful supper and toasts Elaine and I made our way to Carmel by the sea for our honeymoon.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dissertation

All of my course work had been completed and now the final challenge was to write and defend a dissertation. This ,task has been a major obstacle through the halls of academia for many individuals and despite their intelligence to complete all of the academic requirements somehow the dissertation often became the iceberg in front of the Titanic.

I was not overly anxious about this until the Dean called me into his office and told me that he had great news. He had spoken to Doctor George Albee the head of the American Psychological Association and he had gladly accepted to be a member of my committee. I am sure the dean thought he was doing me a great favor but like many people when faced with such a daunting mentor the little voice in my head said” oh oh this could be my Waterloo. George Albee was a giant in the field and the thought of his listening to my proposal scared the hell out of me.The Dean informed me that Doctor Albee was in town and would meet with me at nine o’clock the next morning.

Usually I am optimistic about everything, but the thought of presenting my proposal the next morning to such a heavyweight led to a restless and almost sleepless night. The salvation was that I employed Viktor’s technique of paradoxical intention. When faced with a fear instead of allowing the feelings to take control exaggerate the scenario to the point where it loses its grip and becomes less frightening. I imagined that Albee laughed at my proposal, marched me into the Dean’s office and said ‘how did you accept this clown into your prestigious program. His proposal is absolutely ludicrous and I think he should be immediately expelled.” Believe it or not imagining the worst thing that could happen actually calmed me and the time before the meeting found me relaxed and not apprehensive

.Entering the Deans office Doctor Albee greeted me and asked if I wanted a cup of coffee. His manner was friendly and he began the conversation by telling me that it had been years since he was in my shoes and vowed that he would be nicer to me than his chairperson had been to him. He asked”What did you have in mind Sal?
I began by explaining my proposal and how I planned to address the issues and also some of the areas I wished to explore. Probably because he was not only a brilliant academic but also an experienced clinician it was obvious how keenly he listened.When I finished he asked.”Would you like to make a major contribution to this area of study?” Before I could answer he added ‘If so it will take you at least ten years”. Without hesitation I answered I have no intention of spending the next ten years on the subject.” Ok he said the here are the ground rules. You come highly recommended by Dean Rucker but your Dissertation will be another brick in the brickyard.It will prove neither wit,charm nor great intellect. I will be happy to be on your committee but you must finish it in one year. You must have some fun doing it, and your parents must read and understand it. If you agree to these then it will be my pleasure to be on the committee.”

I could not believe his approach and he was as good as his word. I finished in a year, and met all the requirements he laid down.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dymo and Elaine

Toward the end of my doctoral studies thanks to Luigi Contini I had a marvelous consulting opportunity. Luigi and Mary Contini were dear friends from Westfield who were living in Northern California. Luigi had taken a position as a Vice President of R and D with Dymo the labeling company in the Bay area. He was aware of my studies and graciously invited me and one of my professors to create a program for the Dymo senior management team in the areas of Leadership and team development. It was apparent that this was a golden opportunity for me, and as a sidebar there was the ability to pick Luigi’s brain about Strategic business planning

. Luigi was a brilliant executive who had a marvelous diverse career and was an expert in Strategic planning as well as Research and Development. I was scoreless at that time in both areas and loved learning from his mentoring and modeling.The other significant bonus in the story was being able to spend time with Mary Contini and the seven Contini children . Mary was a magnet socially and had the uncanny ability to make everyone feel as though they were the most special person in the world. The children were delightful and the Continis quickly became a second family for me.

The Leadership process went well from the beginning and besides being introduced to business at such a high level there was an additional gift in going weekly from San Diego to the bay area. One of my former parishioner’s Mary Ellen McGlynn was a nurse and instead of staying at a hotel Dymo allowed me to take her and her two roommates out for dinner on the nights I was in San Francisco. A hotel would have been more comfortable, but I enjoyed the company of Mary Ellen and her roommates. The apartment was one of those railroad ones with a space h,eater at each end of the apartment. Unlike San Diego the climate was actually cold and my nights on the sofa often left me shivering. In addition I was glad that Dymo paid for dinner because perennially the only food in the place was a box of stale Oreos. There was a bakery next store and I teased the women that I was going to write the baker into my will.

.One of Mary Ellen’s roommates Emily was struggling with trying to find herself and appeared to change careers weekly. The other roommate, Elaine Murray a college classmate of Mary Ellen’s from Georgetown , was charming and obviously brilliant. She was finishing her master’s degree at the University of California and headed for a nursing faculty career.

Most evenings after my work at Dymo it was Mary Ellen ,Elaine and I for dinner but one evening Mary Ellen had to work the evening shift so it was just Elaine and I that had dinner in a local Greek restaurant. I had admired Elaine’s keen mind and obvious bevy of talents, but up until this evening there had been no romantic involvement. We had known each other for months, but something clicked that night and again my life was about to be given a new treasure.

 
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Leaving

Life continues to be quite hectic in San Diego and I find myself drifting more and more away from the life that I had known as a parish priest. I do not love the church any less than the day of my ordination but life and my role in it has been altered. I harbor no resentment or regret but find that the rules and narrow passage can no longer be where I spend the rest of my days. It is not an easy choice ,and there are feelings that are troublesome because I know this decision will be harmful to some who believed in me. The temptation to find a way to stay is quite strong but it is the wrong decision and I would be only a shell of what I hope to be.

Having decided to leave the active ministry I returned to New Jersey and made an appointment to see the Archbishop. The irony of this meeting is that despite the fact that the Most Reverend Thomas A.Boland was most conservative and I most progressive there was a bond of friendship between us. He was always especially kind to me, perhaps because my pastor was his immediate aid, and in the meeting he actually pleaded with me to take more time before asking to be released. His kindness moved me, but not to the point that I could reverse the decision that I had spent months on reviewing. I did not know it at the time, and at the end of our conversation he graciously gave me his blessing but he denied my request.

I felt after returning to San Diego quite relieved and knew that it was time to start making plans for the future. My years in Westfield were treasures in my heart and I would not trade them for fame or fortune and I will ever be grateful for all that transpired in those five years. Despite the shedding of the collar the need to serve and find meaning were still vibrant and compelling. Frankl’s words and more important his modeling were a blend of the Sermon on the Mount and Existentialism. There was a peace in my soul that I had not known for months.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Cloister

There are moments in life when you must smile because the unthinkable seems to happen regularly. I was asked much to my surprise to give a three day retreat to a group of cloistered sisters, and to be frank I was shocked that they actually requested me.My hair was in the middle of my back, my belt was so wide that it could hold up the Brooklyn bridge and my pants were so flared at the bottom that a stiff wind could float me to Chicago. This sartorial splendor was capped off by platform shoes that made me three inches taller. It was a blessing that there was a huge floor to ceiling grill between me and the holy sisters.

It was to some degree strange to be talking about spirituality with persons that could buy and sell me on the spiritual scale, and also difficult to ascertain without eye contact what was actually happening. As a speaker I could always tell how I was being received, but in this case there was on the receiving end total silence. I gave it my all, but to this day I have no idea what they thought of my words. One humorous part of the three days was that the sister who was in charge of feeding me was obviously elderly and had some sort of brain impairment. After serving me breakfast I went out of my way to tell her much I enjoyed the lamb chops. Little did I realize that this piece of feedback would warrant extra lamp chops for lunch, dinner breakfast and an afternoon snack.

One of the professors that I have grown close to is Harold Greenwald the founder of Decision Therapy. He is a brilliant therapist ,teacher and an avowed atheist. One day in class after everyone had left he asked to see me.His opening salvo was “How can anyone as bright as you buy into the fables of religion? “I smiled and knew his question was not meant to bait me or lure me into a confrontation. I answered that much of what he referred to as fables has little impact on my life but the Christ figure is compelling and beckons me to be more than I can be. I rolled off the Beatitudes and told him that these were the signposts of my faith.He responded that he was fascinated by how rooted the clergy in the program were and though he did not subscribe to our beliefs he admired the behaviors and dedication to others.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

San Diego

After weeks of studying in Vienna my new mentor and friend Viktor invited me to join him on his visit to San Diego. He had been invited to spend the spring semester at the University and had arranged for me to pursue my Doctorate in Human Behavior and Leadership. I was thrilled to join him, and each day in his presence was like being in a laboratory filled with wisdom and learning. In addition to his incredible mind I was privy to the innumerable letters from all over the world telling him how his book and work had changed their lives.

For all of his achievements what most amazed me was his humility and ability to forgive the Nazis.One day while we were having lunch I asked him” How is it possible for you to not hate the Nazis?”He took off his glasses and paused for a moment. “They took my loved ones, my homeland, my occupation and a host of other things. If I hated them I would have nothing left.”I was stunned by his ability to love and forgive.When I caught my breath from his response I offered”It is a good thing that you are not a Sicilian.” This and so many other lessons came not only from his public teaching but more from the life he modeled. The students loved his classes, and besides his brilliant mind and gifted teaching style he possessed an uncanny ability to see the humor in so many situations.

I learned the following among the plethora of gifts he bestowed on my mind and heart.
No matter what the circumstances there are always some choices within your control.
The Past does not determine the future.
Every human person desires and seeks meaning.
Love will always overcome hatred.
Everyone has value and is worthy of love and respect.
You become great by not seeking greatness but rather by service to others

He was at the center of the University and was not only a magnet to students but also to other heavyweights in the field. One night I was at the table with Viktor,Carl Rogers,Harold Greenwald.Everett Shostrom and William Shutz.I thought to myself what is a kid from 202 Delaware Avenue ,Jersey City doing at this table?

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Witness

“Now that you know what happened you must be a witness.” With these words Dr. Viktor Frankl, a Nazi concentration camp survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, radically changed my life. The Holocaust, which I had always regarded as a tragic historical period, transformed into a personal reality through our many conversations. Never preaching or ranting with a righteous vengeance of one who had lost so much, he often told me stories as though they happened yesterday. The stories were never merely abstract examples, they were filled with names, places, and hordes of vivid details. The familiar columns of numbers and sterile statistics that we had all witnessed became people with names and faces and personal life histories. These were sisters, mothers, fathers, friends, old, and young. No longer were they numbers in a history class, or newsreel moments that flashed on the screen and then faded away. Once they became flesh and blood with names and places they were not easily forgotten

The horror of the Holocaust became more intense with reference points to my life. Although no one could fully understand the Holocaust, I began to see it in light of my own human experience. My life growing up in a community where diversity was not punished, but rather seen as positive was so different from what the Jews experienced. I had never lived in a climate where any second I could be arrested and thrown into the back of a truck like a sack of potatoes. These moments with Viktor at dinner, during class, while walking through the city with him, or speaking with other Holocaust victims, opened the wellspring of insight that was powerful and compelling. There were no smooth edges and simple answers. Initially it was almost impossible to believe that an innocent group of people could suffer merely because of their race.

Through Viktor’s eyes and the experiences of other survivors, I witnessed the stories of the atrocities. I understood that it could have happened to me and my loved ones. I imagined holding the hands of my infant children, waiting to be slaughtered, or watching my parents be herded into a cattle car bound for the crematoria. These realities had a lasting impact on my consciousness and spirit. They made the event’s tangible and were bridges to those horrendous times. There were moments when the temptation to retreat from the facts was almost overwhelming. One vivid experience was when a survivor recounted how his entire village was slaughtered in one day. He only survived because he was in the forest collecting firewood.

It is amazing how real his presence is to this day. Outside of my family no one has touched me in such profound ways.
As time went on I began to see the role that the Roman Church had in creating a climate of the “other” for the Jews through the centuries. I was stunned by this, but my relationship with Viktor only helped to enhance my spiritual growth. My love for Judaism as well as authentic Christianity flourished under the guidance and friendship of this great man.

No one could ever understand or explain the evil that they experienced, but I knew that there was an obligation to listen and absorb the pain. Time does not diminish the acts of cruelty that were the hallmarks of the Holocaust. It is not the passage of time that heals the wounds of these horrors. To continuously honor the victims and recount the stories is not the maudlin search for vengeance. It is the obligation to keep alive the memory of those who suffered by personalizing their lives. They were not merely numbers that can be aggregated into a collective tragedy. These were singular persons with the human needs and drives that we all possess. They were neighbors, friends members of their communities parents, children, and elders. Life was stripped away from them without cause.
We must keep alive the memory of the Holocaust and in my novels and presentations I remember all those who died, and those who also at great risk stood up for the Jews. I also look toward building bridges of love and respect between both faiths. It is time for the Roman Church to openly admit the part that anti-Judaism played in the Holocaust. I believe this will enable Christians and Jews to reach out to each other and realize that their covenants do not negate each other but rather bind them as children of a loving God .As we move forward we must also remember those who relished and fully participated in the horrors, and those who around the world, the majority of people, who stood in silence and washed their hands of culpability. This shame must never occur again and we must stand for the rights of any and all who are oppressed everywhere.

Those who survived and those that liberated the camps are almost all gone and the torch must be past to the next generations. For this horror never to occur again it must be remembered more than one day a year.
We must never forget.

  •  
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Vienna

I came to the conclusion that somehow Dr.Viktor Frankl could be a lifeline in my time of need. I called the University of Vienna and asked to speak to Dr. Frankl. Much to my amazement he answered his phone and I blurted out”I want to study with you.” He calmly said “where are you?” I told him I was in Rome and then he said “Wonderful come and visit me next week.” I did not know it then but my life was to be altered beyond measure.

In Vienna I took residence in the German house of studies and attended Dr.Frankl’s lectures every day. He was most kind to me before and after class and I knew enough German to follow along. He was fluent in English and went out of his way to assist me in my studies. After two weeks of classes I went to his office and for two hours poured out my confusion and sadness. I temporarily forgot that he had been in four concentration camps and lost everything he held dear, He had been robbed of his freedom, his profession and most of his family had been murdered by the Nazis.

He never interrupted and let me go on and on about Jack’s death and the absurdity of what had happened. When I was through he said two things that changed my life. “You feel great pain because you loved your friend”. He then added “There will come a point in time when you will have to make a choice. You will get in the grave emotionally with your friend or despite your pain you will continue to embrace life. If you bury yourself with Him I do not think you understand who he was.”
Those profound words did not make the pain go away, but I realized that I must in Jack’s memory live as fully as possible.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment