Sal's Reflections

Yesterday I addressed the question of negative self talk. Those repetitive negative statements block alternatives and prevent growth and goal achievement.. If you are constantly being bombarded with statements that deny new possibilities it is reasonable to follow those dictates. The first mandate is to be aware of the constant negative self talk but that is not sufficient in the goal setting process. The next step is to substitute those messages with positive self talk.: examples of this would be” I have the ability to learn another language” or”I have the skills and determination to find a meaning ful career or”I deserve a better relationship with my friend or loved ones.” Replacing the negative with the positive self talk reframes the mind.

Work task: Place positive self talk statements with the three goals you wish to achieve.

This part of the process requires you to identify the goals that you wish to achieve. Once these are identified write any negative statement that is in the way of achievung that goal. An example of this would be if the goal is to learn a foreign language the negative statement might be ” I am not very good at learning a foreign language”or” I can’t learn another language because I am afraid of making mistakes.”these negative statements prevent your brain from focusing on the possibilities and actually gives your brain the message that this goal is really not a firm request. The brain only functions once the evidence is strong that the goal is more than a simple wish.

Work task: Write down every negative statement that is part of your reasons why the desired goal is not achieveable. Next to the statements in bold letters state that this is no longer true. I do not believe in this negative statement any longer.

” I am terrible at language”,I have never been a good speaker”,”It is impossible for me to lose weight”. These kind of statements to ourselves and others strongly influence our behavior. Self talk is the foundation of behavior and if you listen to yourself and others you will find patterns that strongly influence behavior. If you constantly feed yourself negative statements about what you can and cannot do your behavior will follow the details received by your brain. Listen to yourself and others and you will pick up patterns of speech that will effect behavior.
Work task:: Identify the negative statements that you make to yourself on a regular basis,
.For example what are the ones that you openly tell yourself and others? “I could never learn another language,” I would love to lose weight but I have given up” “I would love to change jobs but I am too old to change now” “Please spend fifteen minutes writing down the most common negative statements that are ones you often repeat to yourself and others.

The foundation for any significant change in life is that we change because we are dissatisfied with the current situation.We exercise because we are sluggish or feel a lack of energy or because we are having physical issues.We are willing to start an exercise regimen because we are not satisfied with the way we feel.In the change process we can use Positive Dissatisfaction as leverage for change. The more we understand why we are desiring to move to new behaviors and goals it provides us with a rationale for change.
Positive dissatisfaction can be the foundation for anything we wish to alter. Examples of this can be in seeking a new place to live. What in your current abode is less than satisfying? If it is a relationship that you wish to improve what are the characteristics of the current relationship that you find less than satisfying.?

Work task:
Write down what dissatisfies you most about the status of your current areas that you wish to alter.
For example if you are dissatisfied with your career or employment ask yourself what are the areas that most disturb you. ?
POSITIVE DISSATISFACTION PROVIDES LEVERAGE FOR CHANGE>

On Day 1 I requested that you select one to three areas that you would like to change.It can be something like “I wish to lose weight” or ” I would like a better relationship with a loved one” or I” I would like to have a more fulfilling job.”Having written these down I would contend that all of us are target oriented. Whatever we see and focus on becomes to some degree a magnet. Once we focus on the areas that we wish to change this potentially becomes a source of energy and inspiration.In order to reinforce this I would ask you to take your pen and paper and do the following:
Describe as fully as possible what the desired outcome would look like.If for example the goal is to lose weight specify what the desired weight would be. What clothes would you wear? How would this achievement make you feel.?The reality is that if we focus on what finish looks like it develops images in the brain which make us aware of the possible outcomes.There is no need yet to have all of your ducks in a row.What finish looks like develops a mind set that at the conscious and unconscious level prepares you to move toward the desired goals.

Today ,if you choose,you are about to embark on a thirty day venture to examine personal and life setting goals. This is not a touchy feely process, and it is about you and not a competition.The process is based on my conviction that periodically everyone needs to pause and reflect on where they are going.Throght the years we all get into behavioral patterns that in my opinion minimize the opportunities for growth and change. This process has no judgment on my part regarding your choices. What you wish to achieve may be small alterations or rather significant modifications. This begins and ends solely with your controlling the path to follow. There will be work assignments and these will indicate the level of serious commitment you are willing to pledge. The work will not take inordinate amounts of time but to get the most you Must do the tasks assigned each day.
o.K. Let’s begin:
I want you to identify three things in your life that you would like to change. Again they can be small or mammoth.
Examples: I would like to learn another language
I would like to have a better relationship with a friend or loved one
I would like to visit Paris
I would like to lose weight and exercise on a regular basis
I would like to find a more meaningful job
I would like to become an excellent public speaker.

WORK TASK for Day 1. PIck three and on a piece of paper write how you would benefit from these changes. Be as specific as possible

A friend sent me the following request: In many conversations with you over the years I often heard you mention ways to alter behavior and seek new goals. Do you have any process that I could follow? In response to his request I have decided to devote the next thirty days to creating a process that anyone can use to follow paths that will lead to greater choiceds and perhaps the acchievement of new goals. It is not a panacea or magic wand but a structured methodology that requires discipline and attendance to detail.I believe in change and that there are areas of life that offer new learning and alteration. However, this like all roads is a personal journey and it is not up to me to decide what the goals should be. I am basically a life coach who is privileged to participate with anyone who wants to work together.We will begin day 1 tomorrow.

Wayne Gretsky’s great line was”you will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”That line is so poignant because every human being has dreams and to never take a shot on at least one is sad.Take a few minutes and focus on something that has been rolling around your brain for the longest time. Would it be a shot worth taking? If so what would be the first step toward it in behavioral terms. It does not have to be measued versus anyone eles dreams and if it is important to you maybe now is the time. There is never a perfect time and maybe this is the moment when it moves from I wish,I want to I choose.

In the midst of the hoopla surrounding the presidential election there is the overriding concern about how fractured we are as a nation. I must admit that in my lifetime I have never been aware of such rancor and lack of agreement. To temper this concern I am reminded of how this nation was born. The level of disagreement among the founding fathers was at least as volatile as what exists today. There is a wistful fable that cultivates the image of the colonists sitting around a table holding hands and singing kumbyah but nothing could be further from the truth. Some were initially loyal to the king of England and wanted no part of what they perceived to be insurrection. Others radically wished to retain slavery ,and were open to negotiating with England. A small minority saw something different and with passion and the willingness to engage in vigorous debate began to persuade the reticent. We are shouting at each other now and passionately embedding ourselves in concrete positions. We threaten to leave our country if our candidate is not elected ,but this is merely rhetoric. We all of us love this country too much to flee because we feel that we have lost. There will again come the moments when the confrontations will lessen, the posturing will be minimized and we will roll up our sleeves and work together to again strive for a more perfect union.

Last Saturday I returned for a book signing to a place that was most special for me. I spent five meaningful years in Westfield, New Jersey and had some trepidations going back there. To my joy the people that attended filled my heart with wonderful memories of out time spent together. Everyone who came had some part of my memory and heart, and I was overwhelmed by their kindness. It was always apparent to me that the time I spent in that terrific place was a special gift to be treasured. Unlike the famous book title I found” you can go home again.”